Preoccupied as usual with things I actually give a shit about, the game of human ping pong known as tennis is rarely on my radar screen. Over the past week or so though my daily news perusing has been peppered with some malarkey involving two of the handful of tennis players I’ve actually heard of: everybody’s favorite good sport John McEnroe, and hopefully someone who was not taught how to drive by her older sister, Serena Williams. Upon closer inspection though, getting riled up about this manufactured, so-called controversy is as pointless as watching tennis on TV.
On a plugging tour for his new book, “John McEnroe: Does Anybody Still Give A Fuck?”, the surly loudmouth set of a firestorm of foolishness due to the following exchange that I copied and pasted from some article:
Garcia-Navarro: We’re talking about male players but there is of course wonderful female players. Let’s talk about Serena Williams. You say she is the best female player in the world in the book.
McEnroe: Best female player ever — no question.
Garcia-Navarro: Some wouldn’t qualify it, some would say she’s the best player in the world. Why qualify it?
McEnroe: Oh! Uh, she’s not, you mean, the best player in the world, period?
Garcia-Navarro: Yeah, the best tennis player in the world. You know, why say female player?
McEnroe: Well because if she was in, if she played the men’s circuit she’d be like 700 in the world.
Garcia-Navarro: You think so?
McEnroe: Yeah. That doesn’t mean I don’t think Serena is an incredible player. I do, but the reality of what would happen would be I think something that perhaps it’d be a little higher, perhaps it’d be a little lower. And on a given day, Serena could beat some players. I believe because she’s so incredibly strong mentally that she could overcome some situations where players would choke ’cause she’s been in it so many times, so many situations at Wimbledon, The U.S. Open, etc. But if she had to just play the circuit — the men’s circuit — that would be an entirely different story.
First off let me point out the painfully obvious. Although this mysterious “Garcia-Navarro” never had a first name mentioned in the article (real thorough journalism there), I absolutely knew down to the bottom of my ball sack that a Jimmy Breast-lin like that had to be a broad. No man on earth would ask something so stupid in such an incredulous fashion. Like it’s a goddamn shock that you would add “female” as a qualifier in fuckin pro sports. Meanwhile, every dopey feminist would phrase such a ridiculous question in exactly that sort of particularly arrogant yet brainless manner. Sure enough, I didn’t exactly have to pick my jaw up off the floor when learning the mystery reporter’s first name was “Lulu.” Lulu? Blech. No wonder the story left her name out.
Point number two, could McEnroe have been any more complimentary about Williams’ accomplishments or prowess as a player? Any normal person would struggle to somehow make a controversy out of such an ordinary set of statements, but in this day and age, nothing is normal about our culture anymore. Instead of agreeing and going back to making her man a sandwich like she should, Williams instead gave in to the swelling tide of feminist hogwash and tweeted some slop in response that she ended without a hint of irony by writing, “Respect me and my privacy as I’m trying to have a baby. Good day sir.” Trying to have a baby? Does she mean she was in the middle of labor and McEnroe burst in her hospital room and started berating her? And did I read wrong or is a broad who just posed her pregnant ass naked on the cover of Vanity Fair—like anybody wants to witness that horrid spectacle—asking for fuckin privacy? You know a real nice way of keeping your privacy? Not posing for magazine covers and tweeting to millions of fuckin people.
After casually reiterating his honest assessment on several subsequent interviews, once Williams unleashed that tweet from her twat, McEnroe remembered his tennis roots and served back, slyly attempting to inch away from Boycott Boulevard and onto the High Road by explaining that he didn’t know his statements would create such a controversy, that he didn’t intend to bother Serena while she’s preggers, and that at 58, he would rank about 1200 were he to stage a comeback. Seemed like a nice way to wriggle free from the critics eh? Wrong.
McEnroe’s apology tour was forced to continue on the normally sensible Steven Colbert’s late night show shortly thereafter. Suddenly McEnroe had to translate his reasonable assertions for a booing, period-inflamed audience. Colbert piled on too, incredulously exclaiming, “You cannot be serious,” regarding the “700” comment, drawing high-pitched squeals of delight from the perturbed, partisan, puss-filled crowd. After playing the self-deprecation game for several agonizing minutes, finally McEnroe’s frustrations showed when he asked, “Do they say that about girl basketball players, that they’re as good as Michael Jordan, for example?” To which, instead of answering, Colbert succumbed to the abnormally high estrogen level in his studio once again with the pandering remark, “They might say women’s basketball players.” Oh, tee fuckin hee. Way to purposely miss the point jerkoff. The answer would be fuck no. Jordan could roll out of bed today and posterize Brittney Griner’s giant lesbian ass. DeAndre Jordan.
Because whether it’s unfashionable to admit it or not, much to the chagrin of women, they are physically inferior to men in every conceivable measurable way. Whenever you get a man versus a woman of equal skill in an athletic contest, it is no contest. The more physical the sport, the more lopsided the results.
I’ll never forget channel surfing years ago and finding a pool match on ESPN between that Black Widow pool chick (remember her?) and some equivalent pool dude. So basically the top two pool muthafuckas in the world. Anyway, they play and the dude mops the floor with her. Afterwards the play-by-play guys (could you imagine a worse assignment for a broadcaster? Besides maybe calling a Jets game) explained how the massacre unfolded. Turns out, that on the “break”, the dude’s shot scattered the balls all over the fuckin place, while the chick’s wimpy break just moved ’em a wee bit. Then it was easy pickins for the dude to go around and sink shot after shot, while the chick didn’t have the angles or room to do the same. So even in goddamn pool of all nonathletic contests, men’s physical superiority shines through.
Let’s also recognize the most important aspect of the mystery of inferior female athleticism that is rarely if ever discussed: the best female athletes are generally the one’s that are the most manly. Sheeeit, why do you think so many lesbians in all sports dominate their more feminine, dick-loving competition? And the top female athletes that don’t sprinkle pussy on their Wheaties each morning are usually super manly themselves like, well, Herschel Walker in a dress-ass Serena Williams. She’s got biceps bigger than my thighs. And her big sister stands a black praying mantis-like six-foot-one. These aren’t exactly the Olsen twins.
That’s why the fuck a female athlete like Ronda Rousey was so rare and marketable: she was hot. And speaking of tennis specifically, besides the Williams sistas, the only female tennis player of note for the past twenty years is Anna Kournikova—a mediocre but smokin’ hot player. For fuck’s sake, even Danica Patrick gets commercial endorsements based on pure hotness and she’s not even in an actual sport. The athletic scale breaks down like this: Men are better than women, manly women are better than normal women, and hot chicks are what every fan wants to see regardless of if they’re better than anyone.
Meanwhile, McEnroe’s groveling circus continued unabated. “It would have been better not to have said it,” was his new, more subservient stance on a recent ESPN conference call. “I didn’t realize it would create something like this.” Likely amazed at the decline of sanity around him, McEnroe also drew the formerly acceptable conclusion of, “This is not something that has been earth shattering, that I feel there’s a difference in the level of the women and the men.”
No it isn’t. But the fact that anyone regardless of gender could find such a biologically factual statement controversial sure the fuck is. What passes for modern feminism has gone so ludicrously overboard that it’s crossing into a new dimension of unreality.