It took me over thirty years on this planet to finally figure out what I should have innately known all along: platonic friendships stink.
We’ve all had them, we’ve all hated them, and they inevitably end when one of you finds someone that you actually want to fuck. Platonic friendships are like coke zero: close, but not quite what you had in mind. Chris Rock said it best, to women, platonic friends are like a dick in a glass case, and in case of emergency, break glass. But what are platonic friends to men?
I’ll tell you what: a wrong turn down pussy street. Next thing you know you wind up on Friendship Avenue, and boy oh boy is it a long and winding road to get back to your desired ultimate destination. Most guys get so hopelessly lost that they eventually just say fuck it and drive off. Because if there’s one thing every man has tried to do, and scientists have calculated has a 99.9% failure ratio, is to friendship their way into some pussy.
Fellas know the drill. All right, she doesn’t want to fuck me, but she hasn’t seen my sparkling personality, so we’ll chill under the guise of friendship when in reality I’m on a covert vagina mission. Talk about Mission Impossible.
The problem is, when you do decide to cross that threshold and chill with a chick on some “friend” shit, she’s gonna look at you like a unic. Ken Dolls have a bigger set of balls than you. You might as well unscrew your cock and hand it to her to put in her purse the entire time you’re hanging out. Then two things inevitably happen: your dumb ass winds up liking her even more to no avail, and now you have the special joy of catching a bird’s eye view of the guys she’s actually fucking. And the whole time you’d be better off just reaching into her purse and taking the little guy home to beat off to her for the zillionth time, then just saying forget it.
When a chick likes you from the beginning, it’s like being spotted ten points in a game. All you basically have to do is not fuck it up and you’re all set. Winning a girl over is a lot tougher; that’s like a come-from-behind victory. But actually transitioning from friendship with a broad to fucking her is on some Buster Douglas once-in-a-lifetime shit. If there’s one thing I could go back in time and tell my teenage self, besides to fuck off even more and do even less work in school, it would be please, for the love of god, don’t have any female friends.