I hope you noticed the lack of outrage over former Husbands of the Year O.J. Simpson being paroled recently, for the unpardonable crime of taking his stuff back from the guys who stole it. I never really understood what happened there. Didn’t some shifty fans finagle O.J.’s junk and he tracked them down like the real-life Nordberg and retrieved his crap? Okay sure, on the tape O.J. and his criminal offensive line burst in the room like wannabe badasses, with one of O.J.’s flunkies brandishing a pistol. Perhaps not the most polite way to conduct a meeting. But then as all I recall all O.J. did was rant and rave (now we know what audio from that fateful night in 1994 probably sounded like) about how pissed he was at the thieves, before he and the Juice Crew promptly took the shit and left. It was kind of like a tame version of the Big Kahuna Burger scene in Pulp Fiction. Except inside O.J.’s briefcase was garbage.
But the whole shit-brained scheme was soon found out by police and somehow blew up in O.J.’s face—he really is a lousy criminal—and the next thing you know there’s taped conversations, and eyewitnesses, and his co-defendants singing like Luther Vandross, and O.J. gets put on trial. Deja vu. Except this time he was justifiably cocky about getting off—wonder why—and turned down an initial plea deal which would have resulted in no jail time. That was the worst move he made since playing for the chargers. He lost the case and a female judge (she better be looking over both shoulders from now on if she wants to keep her head on top of them) gave him the ludicrous sentence of thirty three flippin years. I guess thirty two would have been spiking the football a little too much. O.J. must have thought he was on Punk’d, or in his vernacular, he must have thought he was on Candid Camera.
But honestly, we all know what that overzealous sentence was for: those awful Hertz commercials. Oh plus the double homicide. That’s why nobody gave a fuck when the crazily harsh sentence came down. It was everyone’s chance to ruin O.J.’s last laugh. People, meaning white people, we’re pissed that he juked out and stiff-armed the system all those years ago and now it was finally time for his comeuppance.
Which is why here we are now fifteen years later and it’s like, “O.J.? Oh yeah I forgot all about him. Is he still in jail?” Now he’s being hastily let out like a naughty child that’s been banished to their bedroom. I don’t even know any of the details other than he was up for parole and he won. And the world shrugged.
After all, we’ve all seen that famous Chris Rock bit by now. And then that epic O.J. documentary really sealed it for me. As Jay-Z would ironically say, can he live? I mean, the man did his time. It might not have been for the right crime, but it was close enough. Now the Juice is loose and flowing freely once again.