Excuse me, but where the fuck was the Spring this year? It’s ten days into June, and we’ve had one lousy, rainy, grey, wind-festival after another. Shit’s wack. Now Spring’s officially over so Summer’s getting chipped away at too? It’s like we’ve only had two seasons this year: cold and fuckin colder.
One Saturday last month it looked like things were warming up and I was elated to see it was a whopping eighty-two degrees outside. Aww yea, happy days. I was expecting sunny and seventies for the indefinite future. Then to my horror and dismay, by Tuesday it was astonishingly down to fifty-three fuckin degrees. We had dropped thirty degrees in three days? I ask you, where the fuck else on the planet is that even possible excepts Ass-achusetts? I’m wearing shorts one day and a winter coat the next. Makes a man’s wardrobe look schizophrenic.
On May 16th I was shocked to have to put the heat on. On May 29th I was furious. Holy fuckballs, on June 4th we had a high of 53 and a low of 47. June fuckin 4th? That’s nice summer weather if you’re a polar bear perhaps, but it sucks a sack of dicks for everyone else. Now it’s almost halfway through June and as I type this I’m sitting in my house in sweatpants and a thermal shirt to keep warm. What am I living in, an igloo?
The only good thing about the Spring and Summer-free year thus far is I’m saving tons of electricity by not running my central air. For some strange reason though, the fact that it feels like I’m sleeping on a park bench when I’m indoors kind of undermines the joy of a lower electrical bill.
*Author’s Note from hours later:
Wouldn’t you know it, I spoke too soon. Just checked the five day forecast this morning. Today it’s gonna be eighty degrees, then 92, 95, and 91 over the next three days.
Good. Now I can finally complain that it’s too hot out.