We Harvey Knew Ye

I don't know about you, but I find it hard to believe that this guy wasn't knee deep in pussy.

I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to believe that this former Brad Pitt stunt double wasn’t knee-deep in pussy.

 

One of the most shocking scandals to ever rock the hellhole of Hollywood has made national headlines, as it now seemingly appears—and these are just the initial reports mind you so don’t take them too literally as of yet due to the outrageousness of the claims—but it appears that perhaps a rich old guy wanted to fuck young hot chicks.

I’ll now give you the several minutes obviously required to regain your composure after such as unthinkable discovery.

I mean, just when you think you’ve seen it all, right?  Then this happens.  I don’t even think my nervous system can handle such a shock.

Based on the information I’ve meticulously gathered, it seems some broad came out of nowhere and said some shit about something.  So I clearly know all I need.  But after a random sexual misconduct claim was lobbed at mega Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein a week or so ago, it suddenly snowballed into an avalanche of accusations.  Now the biggest trend since trannys seems to be accusing the fuckin guy.  And accusing him of what exactly?

The most serious charge I first heard was that Weinstein is a rich, old, ugly Jew who’s obviously ultra-horny for young hot actresses.  Isn’t that the whole point of being a powerful Hollywood producer?  Or is it cranking out masterpieces like “Paul Blart 3?”  I saw “True Romance.”  It looked like a fairly accurate and frankly acceptable portrayal of such a movie mogul lifestyle.  Just cut down on the three-way shoot-outs and you’ll be fine.

The worst thing initially reported was that Weinstein was known for whipping his cock out from time to time, which is certainly not an ideal handshake, but hardly the behavior of a criminal mastermind.  One woman even claimed that after he pulled his go-to move in her, he proceeded to ejaculate into a potted plant.  Not the smoothest behavior for sure, but how a man waters his plants is his business.

Then shit started getting a little murkier.  Actual rape accusations started getting slung around.  The first was some no-name chick who claimed Weinstein raped her by forcing her to blow him, but I have to call shannanigans on that one.  You can’t rape someone’s mouth.  Just close the damn thing.  Ta-da.  Rape over.  Or bite a huge hunk off the head and spit it in his face like Beecher in “Oz.”  Like the rest of Weinstein’s accusers so far, I figured what really happened was she finally relented to his web of grossness to get ahead, then either felt ashamed about it afterwards or wasn’t compensated satisfactorily.  Hence the complaint.

Then it got even trickier.  Footage surfaced from 2005 of Courtney Love giving an ominous warning to young actresses about Weinstein, as did a 2013 Seth Macfarlane award show joke about actresses nominated in the category he was presenting no longer having to pretend to find Weinstein attractive.

Former celebrity Rose McGowen then startled the world first by looking like The Joker, but also by detailing her past rape by the rapidly-disgraced producer.  Then to quell media skepticism she added, “You have to remember this was twenty years ago, when I was actually still hot.”  Questions remained however at the disturbing realization that McGowen used to fuck Marilyn Manson—voluntarily—so her testimony is highly suspect.  Still, as the accusations mounted in severity and scope, it was starting to look like Harvey Weinstein was the Catholic priest of Hollywood.  Which would make all those self-aggrandizing A-listers the popes and cardinals who conveniently and cowardly looked the other way.

That’s the big take away from this whole mess.  Where the fuck was the celebrity response to Weinstein’s rape-fests for the past few decades?  Even when the accusations first started flying it was mums the word around Tinseltown, then all of a sudden Weinstein got fired—from his own company mind you, which rape or not I’m still not sure how that’s possible—and now everybody with a SAG card is racing to pile on the newly powerless producer like they’re Chris Hansen.  It’s fuckin ludicrous.

Conveniently brave souls like Meryl Streep, Gwenyth Paltrow, and even George Clooney for some reason have now all made very strong public condemnations, but of course only after it was safe.  What hypocritical liberal horseshit.  It’s not like they’re some fuckin lowly interns.  Each of those Three Blind Mice is more than rich, powerful, and famous enough to speak out against some fuckin producer, but they only bothered after it became the newest Hollywood trend since those stupid pocket dogs.  Only this situation is even more repugnant.

Now every day it seems a new actress comes out with a new accusation or revelation of Weinstein’s guilt, and by now I think every single company, committee, or group he has ever possibly belonged to has kicked him out.  The Jews even sent him his foreskin in the mail.  And I’m like, Jesus what’s the end game here?  How much are they gonna self-righteously take away from the same guy they all fawned over just two weeks ago?  At what point do they just kill him and get it over with?

And it’s so obvious what’s really going on here.  Recently Woody Allen, of all possible people, voiced his concern in “Are You Fuckin Kidding Me?” magazine that this kind of harassment hysteria could result in a “witch hunt” of men for the unspeakable crime of wanting to fuck chicks.  And the worst spokesman ever has a point.  Now more than ever every rich old dude on the prowl for young cooz is on the cock-chopping block.  And in a related story, Viagra stock just plummeted ten thousand points.

This whole sexual harassment craze, from River Ailes, to Bill O’Reilly, and now Harvey Weinstein, is an overreaction and overcompensation of a guilty female conscience.  Know why?

Because instead of voting in the first female president, they let the real sex offender they should have done something about steal the White House.

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