In a place as dazzlingly entertaining as Nebraska—known as the Paris of The Midwest—it seems that amazingly, a college kid has smoked marijuana. I know it seems unthinkable, but former Cornhole and person with two first names Randy Gregory has ruined the sanctity of keg party-filled campuses everywhere. Why couldn’t that animal just behave like a good upstanding draft pick and merely rape a chick?
By now, everyone on earth knows that marijuana is barely even a drug. It’s being legalized nationwide quicker than gay marriage. The NFL should make it as mandatory as eye black, then maybe those maniacs would mellow out and stop beating and raping every chick in sight like millionaire Neanderthals. Instead, the filthiest league in sports continues to treat weed worse than PEDs, while they prostitute themselves for whichever beer company pours the most money into their already overflowing pockets. And while NFL owners get bopped for DUIs, former star linebackers murder people in alcohol-fueled club parking lot brawls, and current heavyweight spousal abuse champion Ray Rice was admittedly boozed-up when he gave new meaning to the phrase “love tap,” weed is undoubtedly the league’s biggest problem.
Invariably, only non-smokers of god’s pubic hair produce the inane arguments about the merits of players quitting the world’s greatest pastime for the money, while forgetting that the alternative, painkillers, are used at the expense of their health. And don’t give me that hooey about a banned substance list. Do you really think the NFL gives a fuck about players doing drugs? They literally shoot them up at halftime for Chrissake. This retarded rule has everything to do with pharmaceutical companies, and nothing whatsoever to do with the league protecting player health and safety. Not to mention it’s a total bummer.
Because Gregory’s black, legendary spouter of unadulterated ignorance Stephen A. Smith went into conniptions a few weeks back in a frenzied tirade about what else, but his favorite topic to moronically grandstand about: race. Forgetting that he’s the epitome of an affirmative action hire—no white reporter with his profoundly embarrassing lack of understanding of the English language, or shuckin’ and jivin’ speech pattern would ever be allowed on TV—he feigned exasperation in typically over-dramatic fashion. Stephen A. makes the crows from Dumbo sound articulate. It’s as though one of those hypothetical thousand chimps in the room with the thousand typewriters escaped and somehow managed to get a job on ESPN. In the next one of those stupid beef jerky commercials I hope he gets shitted out.
As for Gregory, his formerly promising career is now understandably in jeopardy, because we all know you can’t be a great linebacker in the NFL and use drugs. Just ask L.T.