Fittingly, things have gone from awful to god-fuckin-awful for the Cunt fake presideny, and three current scandals may each have serious implications. Whether it’s disgruntled former cabinet members, the pesky English language, or unprotected assassination attempts (fingers crossed), there’s plenty of coming catastrophes for the Orange Menace to worry about besides North Korean nukes, impending indictments, and videos of keg stands with Russian piss. Some of these worries include:
“I’ve got my hands back on my weapons” -Steve Bannon
“My words are weapons” -Eminem
Lifetime Bannon – Breitbart readers were weeping into their Nazi flags when their real-life Rudy, Steve Bannon, got “The Apprentice” treatment from our reality show puppet of a president, and was fired. Although why high-profile firings are always disguised as resignations continues to elude me. Who the fuck is that fooling? Now wannabe tough guy Bannon is claiming he’s about to unleash his own fury at being fired on all who oppose his insanity. Oh no, thats soooo scary. Who does this loudmouth, sloppy pussy think he’s intimidating? Besides his dry cleaners. So now his site full of outright racists and fascists, who are cleverly camouflaged with an ironically liberal dose of self-loathing jews, Muslims, and fags to make their white nationalistic agenda as plausibly deniable as possible—is now supposedly back to “full strength” after the Prodigal Bum’s long-awaited return. Hmm. Considering the miliseconds it took the reptilian sack of snake shit to slither back to his old job back at Cocksuck News, my guess is he never really left.
Time Heels All Wounds – Not content with merely exposing his stupidity by inventing words like “covfefe” (remember that, like ten thousand fuck-ups ago?), the cancer on democracy that turned the White House into an outhouse has outdone himself with his latest vowel movement on Twitter. Well, technically not his latest since I’m sure he’s already written dozens more in the day or two since, like he has typing Tourette’s, but this tweet included a grade school-level misspelling. In his attempt to unite the country through the gift of laughter, Trump hilariously professed his belief that Americans need to come together and “heel.” And just in case you thought it was a simple brain fart, he spelled it the exact same way in a subsequent tweet. Third time was apparently the charm for the dementia-riddled fuck, since someone on his staff must have informed him of the error that he quickly corrected by erasing the dummy tweets. It was probably all Hillary and Obama’s fault anyway, with their liberal dictionaries. The main point though is that it’s fitting Trump thinks we should “heel” as a country, because if we don’t fetch a real president soon, America will have to roll over and play dead.
Out Of Service – Some rare good news brightened the weary nation’s spirits after it was revealed that Cunt has exhausted the resources of the entire Secret Service after only seven horrifying months in office. Good news since now the agents can go home and leave him unprotected. After Trump’s years of non-stop shit talking Obama’s frivolous tax payer spending on family trips to Hawaii and Martha’s Vineyard, not to mention his birthplace of Kenya, this hypocritical cocksucker has vacationed practically every fuckin weekend since January, and always solo to one of his own private luxury resorts. Does he even remember what little Robber Barron looks like anymore? Trump’s amassed an army of 1000 agents to protect 42 different people, including 18 members of his own Hussein-esque family. Meanwhile even he doesn’t pay attention to all his children, so why would assassins? His lovely daughter What’s-Her-Face Trump, referred to by most as “the one that’s not Ivanka”, could walk down any crowded street in the country without receiving so much as a second glance. Especially if her dad happened to be on that street. But sucking the Secret Service dry has become a hobby for the self-professed Champion of the Working Man. Trump is currently on pace to spend more in his first (and last) year in office—including a current tab of sixty fuckin grand alone on golf cart rentals at his own resorts—than Obama did in eight years combined. Who’s the one acting nigga rich here?