In an effort to condense all of these ridiculously confusing newfangled statistics that keep getting invented, I’ve spentless countess seconds crafting the perfect precise formula to scientifically determine the most important statistic of all: which NFL quarterback is the most hateable. Here’s the three quarterbacks whose team planes should be Malaysian airliners the most in fittingly descending order:
Johnny Crappleseed – Things got even browner than usual in Cleveland when Johnny Shitball predictably defecated all over himself in his first NFL start. This bumbling ass makes Geno Smith look like Gino Cappalletti. After his first game, Manziel posted something like a negative one million quarterback rating, and an even better statistical sack of testicles is that of the only five other quarterbacks who were shut out in their first career start, the best is unquestionably legendary college flop Danny “Did I Really Win A Heisman?” Wuerrfel, with his sparkling 4-6 career record. None of the other Jabronis on the dubious list of QB’s who dropped opening day goose eggs ever even won a goddamn game, and the 0-1 Manziel is now stumbling along in their illustrious footsteps. That arrogant little twerp will be Johnny Couch-ball in another season or two. And don’t blame coach Can’t-Win-A-Playoff-Game for upsetting little people, aka hilarious freaks, with his insensititve comments, now that Johnny Got His Gun and it’s a cap pistol, “midget” is about the nicest thing any opposing coach can call him.
RGPee – The best thing about Robert Griffin The Turd’s play this year is that it’s been so atrocious advertisers have finally been forced to pull back his endless parade of commercials. Maybe if he was busier watching film instead of being on it, he wouldn’t still get befuddled by Pop Warner-level defensive schemes. This frail simpleton’s honeymoon is over with everyone except his boyfriend and team owner Dan “Couldn’t Be” Snyder, which is why the Redskins are gonna be Indian Givers with their second coach in three years at the end of the season. How many head coach’s scalps is this Punky Brewster fashion protégé going to collect? Ever since that Redskin’s disastrous injury at Wounded Knee, he hasn’t been nearly the same player, and now looking back he was probably overrated in the first place. Human wind-up toy Skip Bayless’ idiotic pronouncement (and subsequent pathetic attachment) to the idea that Griffin is/will be better than Andrew Luck would be like saying Ryan Leaf was going to be better than Peyton Manning. Griffin’s just not that good. Forget winning games, he has too worry about starting games.
Rogers Dodger – Finally the most overrated quarterback of all time and cornhole connoisseur Aaron Rogers played down to his true potential, and did what he does best: got manhandled by a bunch of Bill’s. I don’t understand the hype around this homo. He can’t carry Brady’s jock strap, although I’m sure he would love sniffing it. The guy’s just a flash in the pan who likes it in the can. Rogers’ deep throwing ability isn’t nearly as impressive as his deepthroating ability. He hasn’t done Jack since his Fruit Bowl victory—probably because they broke up—and yet people are still acting like he invented the forward pass. Reporters are constantly gushing over the guy, although not in the way he’d prefer. This season has been a dream scenario for Rogers, because after every game he’s had a room full of men sucking up to him. And then he has his press conference. Funny how after the Buffalo beatdown I didn’t hear all the usual poppycock about how he’s the runaway MVP (Moist Vagina Passer or Men’s Vegetable Peeler). Let’s not forget that Rogers’ main ability is he can turn any tight end into a wide receiver. And he’s a pretty good quarterback too. But regardless, that fudge Packer will never get another championship ring, and not just because it won’t match his dress.