“Many styles, more powerful than gamma rays” -Lauryn Hill
Two old guys are getting style points, and one facial hair style is getting old. The ironies never cease in the land of many Spews:
Ghost Bad – Besides Putin, the happiest person on the planet about the new creation of “The Soviet States of America” has got to be Bill Cosby. No, not because of the lackadaisical Russian rape laws, but because much more importantly, some perfectly-timed treasonous mess has knocked his weathered, raping mug off of the front page. Mr. Puddin’ Pop himself was looking dapper in court the other day for the start of his trial for allegedly raping approximately the entire Eastern seaboard. Any other news cycle and this would be the top three stories in a row on every channel. Instead, Cosby’s trial is getting treated like his victims and forgotten about. His newfound slickness is a little suspicious if you ask me. Are we sure the Russians are behind that Trump dossier? Maybe Cosby slipped Trump a mickey and slyly pissed on himself.
Irk and Bernie – Along with the crack smokin’ and pussy chokin’ mayor of Toronto Rob Ford (whatever happened to that nutty bastard, by the way?), my favorite politician/curmudgeon is undoubtedly the only legitimate winner of any hideous aspect of the abominable 2016 election, and the only public figure who looks like he combs his hair with a balloon (Bill Maher joke), Bernie Sanders. I love that miserable old fuck. It’s almost better he didn’t win. Now he’s free to scream at random a-hole political hacks in his entertainingly gruff New York accent. He’s always so damn angry too, yelling at gesticulating in nearly every answer he gives to any question. If you asked that dude what time of day it was he’d spend five minutes screaming the answer at you. I just hope the cranky bastard runs again in 2020, and don’t think he can’t simply because of old age. He’s only 72, less than two years older than Putin’s puppet, and has unquestionably retained more of his marbles. I’d love to see them debate one-on-one. Bernie won’t be bowled over by showmanship, and substantively, it’s a complete and total mismatch. Trump would beat Hillary in a pussy-eating contest before he’d beat Bernie in a debate.
Beard Man of Alcatraz – Over the last several months, I have made it my mission in life to grow the most ignorant facial hair possible. According to the Guiness Book of World Records, I technically have the largest sideburns known to man. It’s like I’ve got an Abe LIncoln beard with just two little lines shaved in between the goatee. The goatee of course is protruding a good four or five inches from my chin, like I’m Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart. I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror for the longest time. The point is, instead of dispatching of my facial overgrowth months ago, I decided to wait until the weather got warm to part ways, so by now it’s grown completely out of control. It’s like I’ve created a Frankenstein on my face. All I know is when I finally do shear it all off back to normal it’s going to be like the death of a loved one. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Even parting your hair.