The two least root-for-able teams to ever make the NBA Finals in my lifetime, twin fag factories known as the Cleveland LeBron’s and the Golden State Halfsy’s, have just dragged the league’s classic championship tradition down to a new low. Not that I watched the game, of course. For a variety of reasons, I’ve only watched about a milisecond of basketball this year, but that’s still more than enough time to assume from game one that paying attention to any of the regular season or even early playoff rounds would have been a waste of my time. And I was right. In the end, I, just like any other fan who actually did pay attention, could have called this Finals scenario last summer. Barring catastrophic injuries to LeBron and Durant (which kept my fingers crossed), there was going to be an inevitable re-match of last year’s Finals in 2017. And whoop-di-fuckin-do, sure enough that’s what we got.
This resulted in unprecedented difficulty deciding who I wanted to see lose more, but after a careful ten-second analysis and deliberation, I’ve got to root hard against Golden State. Durant’s unprecedented faggotry demonstrated by his joinin’ ’em ’cause he couldn’t beat ’em attitude is what sealed it. That fuckin black preying mantis’ WNBA girlfriend has bigger balls than him. I thought LeBron’s team-hopping title quest was corny, but Durant’s is a cornfield of dreams. There is no way on god’s green earth that I could ever picture rooting for that slope-shouldered stringbean again under any circumstances. If Durant played a pick-up game against Isis, I’d be in the stands chanting, “All-Ah Ak-Bar,” (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap).
So because he would be least-deserving champion in all of sports, of course Durant got one step closer after “Believeland” got Golden Showered in Game 1 to the tune of a twenty-two point drubbing Thursday night. The city of Oakland hasn’t seen a beating like that since the last A’s game.
Cleveland was actually competitive with the Warriors in the first half, until Kyrie Irving began to alienate his teammates with a controversial halftime speech insisting the basketball was flat. Even worse luck for the Cavs, Kevin Love unfortunately remained white. That left the typical Finals heroics from LeBron we’ve all come to expect, as he promptly shat himself like it was the mid 2000’s all over again. Meanwhile Curry and co. rained threes from all angles until the pummeling was finally halted at 113-91. At least that’s what I guess happened to arrive at such a lopsided score. Like I said, I didn’t bother watching.
Unless their team planes somehow collide in mid-air, Game 2 will be tonight in about twelve hours. Regardless of the outcome, the real winners will be the fans however, as they get to witness two starting members of the NBA All-Bitch Team scratch and claw and pull each other’s hair for the title they both covet the most, not an NBA championship, but that of “World’s Biggest Bitch.”