Various things getting thrown out seems to be a running theme lately, with standard card-playing attire needing a serious revamping, some colorblind burger-slingin’ execs needing to be put out to pasture, and New York City weather patterns that are becoming quite peculiar—and I’m not talking about global warming. In these nefarious tines we live in someone has to lay down the law, and with cops up to their waists in dead black guys lately, I guess as usual it’s up to me.
Dim Shady – In my first act as Sheriff of these here parts, I would make it illegal for anyone to wear sunglasses when they’re playing poker, because that’s obviously the biggest problem facing our society today. I don’t know who invented it—though legend has it that it was ol’ Cardface McGee, the first World Series of Poker champion—but the unnecessary and irritating trend has been steadily snowballing ever since. Nowadays you can’t even turn on the only World Series worth watching without it looking like a damn sunglasses convention. I went to a casino a few months ago and even in there, every other person in the place had their Ray Charles shades on like they were playing for millions of dollars or something. Listen Diamond Jim, you got like eleven bucks on the line here, I think you can throw the shades back in your purse where they belong.
Once You Go Black – One of the more disgusting displays of Halloween marketing gone horribly wrong is Burger King’s awful new black burger. No, not a burnt hamburger, but a regular hamburger with jet black-colored bread. Excuse me while my mouth uncontrollably waters. Or is that vomit? Look, even though this new negro burger might taste exactly as shitty as a regular Burger King turdburger, part of food’s overall desirability is also it’s visual appeal. Remember that purple and green ketchup Heinz so brilliantly came out with a few years ago? Probably not, because that wack-ass shit didn’t sell one bottle, and those dumb Krauts immediately went back to only making the classic red. It’s not that the new colored ketchup tasted any different, people just didn’t want to see a buncha purple shit all over their burgers. Just like they don’t want to see black buns on them either.
Window Pain – There’s a hot new trend amongst single moms that’s evidently been sweeping New York City lately. No, it’s not the usual mindless female trends like shoes or makeup or arm sleeve tattoos, it’s….wait for it…throwing your baby out the window! Ta-da! Yes, apparently baby-tossing season is upon us once again, and several young unwed (I’m just assuming) mothers have been quick to psychotically start making it rain lil Timmy’s or lil Suzy’s out of skyscraper windows to the soft, feathery, and cozy concrete below for predictably pleasant results. Today an unidentified Bronx woman became the third Mom of the Year candidate to employ this lovely parenting method in the Rotten Apple in just the last three months, when she casually tossed her six month-old out the window like she was discarding a candy wrapper. Leaving your baby to melt in your car on a ninety degree day is just so last year. The more fashionable thing to do now is clearly chucking infants from high-rise apartment buildings. I prefer the javelin method myself, but a lot of people go discuss-style instead. And of course, there’s always the classic Phil Banks technique. But either way you do it, if you fine upstanding women missed the chance to lovingly deposit your newborn into the nearest dumpster at birth where it belonged, you can always make up for that egregious error by cheerfully splattering it from ten stories up a few months later. Ahh, young motherhood.