Sometimes the overall theme of a multilayered Spew is rather obvious. This is not one of those times:
Gay-Z or Hard Cock Life – Anybody ironically well-versed in hip hop history knows that Jay- Z is the most overrated rapper to ever pick up a mic. He might be one of the greats for sure, or at least he used to be, but the reason my goddamn dad knows who he is and has never heard of Gza doesn’t mean that Jay-Z’s the best, just that he’s the best at marketing himself. If it wasn’t for the rapid-fire untimely deaths of Tupac, Biggie, Big L, and Big Pun, Jay-Z would still be under Dame Dash’s thumb and opening for more successful and talented acts. But regardless, just when I thought seeing J-Homo get slapped around like a little bitch by Beyonce’s sister was the gayest thing he’s ever done, he’s just topped himself. At some silly recent red carpet event to promote a hunk of crap, Jay-Z was asked about President Cunt. Mr. Front Row at Obama’s innaguration himself (remember that god-awful Putin-style hat he embarrased the nation with by the way?) bravely stated, “I’m not gonna answer that,” before promptly being whisked away by a visibly irritated random fat old white guy. Way to keep what Nas called your “Dick-sucking lips,” sealed, you phony fuckin queer.
Mark: Gassed or No? – At his last doctor’s visit, former dirty stinkin’ member of the Wets famed “New York Sack Exchange”, and father of a wannabe reality show star, Mark Gastineau, was recently diagnosed with what neuroscientists refer to as the “triple whammy”: dementia, Parkinson’s disease, and Alzheimer’s disease. Luckily though he was in good spirits when he left the hospital, because he couldn’t remember the diagnosis. A Wets team spokesman also noted the silver lining of traumatic brain injuries, explaining, “Now that Mark’s severely brain damaged he fits in perfectly with our fan base.”
Golden Loves – Hold onto your lungs boys and girls, because I just found the ultimate smoking device thanks to who else but those lovably insane rapscallions, the Diaz brothers. Those crazy muthafuckas went to some California Head Shop and proceeded to spend some of their respective Anderson Silva and Conor McGregor money, which culminated in a YouTube video of the duo smoking a $2000 blunt shaped like a golden UFC glove. First of all, $2000? Either that must be some gamma-ray shit they’re smoking or that glove better be made outta real gold. But even more important than the exorbitant price is that now even if neither Diaz brother fights this year, they’re still in the early lead to win the coveted “Coolest Shit I’ve Seen in 2017” award. The grand prize is I get to borrow their glove.