The War on Vaginas -by Devan Winchester

Part 1
NEWSFLASH! There is such a thing as a stupid question…
“Should women be allowed in combat?”
Nation responds with emphatic “um, yes…Duh.”

I don’t know why I expected anything less than magnificently thoughtless arguments on this topic from the people who originally raised the issue or those who reacted to it as if it was something that should even still be a question in 2013 seeing as they are primarily idiots, but I am once again shocked, annoyed, mildly amused by, and totally resentful of, people who aren’t smart enough to know that they are stupid and who have somehow been granted time to express, in a public forum, what passes for “thoughts” amongst other stupid people. Well we are not all stupid so here are a bunch of reasons why stupid people should seriously just shut the fuck up forever about pretty much everything, but especially women’s issues; and stop embarrassing themselves. Apparently no one but me has found enough charity in their heart to point this stuff out and give them a chance to preserve their last scrap of dignity..

Women make other human beings with their internal organs and then rip them out of their own bodies. I know its a tired argument but some things get repeated simply because they’re true, yet still continually ignored. Giving birth is something only females can do and it means that biologically, we are about a zillion times better equipped to deal with intense physical pain than men are, obviously, or no woman would ever voluntarily allow her beav to be torn asunder by forcing a human skull to pass through it more than once in her lifetime, let alone 10 or more times like a lot of women have (put those broads on the frontline and see what happens) as a matter of fact if women knew how much childbirth hurt beforehand they probably wouldn’t be down with ever giving birth. We wouldn’t be able to do that shit if we weren’t pretty fuckin tough cookies. That’s a fact. Look it up…. it’s under “cookies” in the Encyclopedia Devanica. If men were expected to have their dicks completely shredded, even once, even if it was to give birth to another human being; -they would probably all just go ahead and kill themselves. Straight up.

If these taints want to pretend that this is about anything other than sexism combined with petty, exclusionary, clubhouse bull-twaddle; they need to find a way to justify their position that’s more relevant, or at least sounds more credible, than saying men are physically stronger than women… While that is usually true; men have more muscle mass; I’m pretty sure there’s not a lot of arm-wrestling going on during a war unless its with someone who’s on the same side as you. What fucking difference does muscle mass make as long as you can weild a high powered automatic weapon with confidence? Lugging gear. Yeah well maybe they should make the fuckin gear lighter, we have a robot on Mars for christsake. I really don’t think any male soldiers are going to complain that their gear isn’t heavy enough. Also, since the basis of the argument that women are weaker than men is that women are smaller  I would like to point out that being smaller also means they are a smaller target, so there. Plus its not always true, and it is even less true now than its ever been before.

I myself am a woman who is bigger and probably stronger than a decent percentage of the male population. I know that’s not “feminine” and it is therefore considered unattractive by a lot of men which means it is therefore something I’m expected to be ashamed of, but I’m not ashamed at all. I’m built like an Amazon. I’m tall and solid,- I’m not fat but I’m definitely not wispy. I have muscles. I can lift 100lbs, and easily. Sure I could be overpowered by a lot of men maybe even most men but there’s a good percentage of men who I could straight up murder or seriously disfigure if I were to suddenly find myself in the throes of a “viking rage”, as my father calls it, and plenty more who would at least get a run for their money in a fist fight with me. Call me crazy but I think that shit is awesome and I’m proud of it. If I had served in this insane war like so many women did and still are,  I would feel pretty powerful, I would definitely have some swagger, and who cares if its unfeminine? It’s not bad enough that they try to tell us feeling physically powerful is gross if you’re  a girl but they wanted to tell us it wasn’t allowed? In the military?  What!? If I, or other women like me, make some men feel less masculine, if fighting alongside a woman somehow diminishes the glory of war for a few small minded male soldiers; thats their fuckin’ turd sundae and they can eat it by themselves. In the corner… Facing the wall.

Making sure those same few, small-minded, male soldiers aren’t insecure definitely isn’t a good enough reason to keep women out of combat. No fucking shit. But thats what some people were basically proposing. In earnest! And then we discussed it! on TV! This has got to be a joke! No one has the right to tell women they can’t fight for our country alongside every other person who makes the incredibly serious decision to become a soldier!!!.. That’s denying someone the right to follow their heart and its flies in the face of everything Americans claim to treasure and protect. Some of us still actually do treasure those things and “us”  also includes some women. It’s flat out un-American to even propose such a steaming pile of dogshit, as if every female in the armed forces would just be like
“oh well, we really wouldn’t wanna make any of you fellers uncomfortable!  we’ll just scoot on outta here now”
Good God Damn! Who the fuck puts these people in front of a t.v. camera?! You would be hard pressed to find a single male soldier, who had served under a female C.O. in combat, who actually had any legitimate gripes about doing so and yet this crap is portrayed in the media as if there is even a question of how things will turn out. Stupid people strike again.

For anyone still not convinced, special attention should also be paid to the fact that women usually  cope with mental and physical anguish far more efficiently than men… Its probably an evolutionary thing since, after all, up until relatively recently we had been listening to you talk smack about us, getting slapped around by you, and dealing with the rest of your childish bullshit in general all while giving birth to your babies and trying to keep them alive past infancy in uncertain or dangerous circumstances and then some, for thousands and thousands of years. So, rather than allowing ourselves to being reduced the point of having no other purpose than serving the needs of men, we evolved into what we are now.  What we are now is pretty much just what we were before(mothers, cooks, nurses, whores, waitresses, psychologists)  plus a bunch of other stuff (practically every other profession known to man besides combat soldier, if some people had their way) except now we are definitely better than men are in every conceivable way. And when we come up with some kind of real meritocracy for advancing in rank thats gonna be the last stop the gravy train is making for some of you fools.

Which brings me to this: my total destruction of the ridiculous idea that women are not only physically weaker but that we are somehow more mentally fragile than men are. Emotional resilience? Fuck yourself bro. I been bleedin’ out my vagina on the regular for 18 years now and the end won’t be in sight for at least another 20. That might not be much next to the graphic violence of combat, however, there are lots of men who will probably be traumatized just by READING that last sentence and every woman on the planet has to live it.  While chances are good that most Americans, male or female, will die never having to deal with anything even remotely like a war, the chances or also good that most men probably won’t ever experience anything approaching the level of gruesomeness that simply being a female automatically brings to the table. I hope that sheds some much needed light on what the difference between men’s and women’s ability to cope with blood and gore is, much as I shed the lining of my uteran wall every 28 days according to the lunar calendar. That’s right assholes, we’re like ancient wizards synced up with the muthafuckin MOON so suck my fuckin tampon you ignorant goddamn troglodytes.

And then there is the real kicker:”When both genders are present and troops are in emotionally charged situations, there is a lot of potential for distractions and distractions put the entire unit at risk”  I couldn’t tell you who said it but he was wearing one of those kicky little berets when he did. What are the women supposedly responsible for, being distractions or being distracted? By distraction I think he meant the troops will start fuckin’ each other, amongst other things. That might be legit, I can understand the concern anyway..but something tells me it would probably be just fine with most female soldiers if there weren’t any coed combat units allowed. They get raped often enough as it is when they are on an actual military base, thank you very much. It might actually be mutually beneficial to divide the combat units by gender because the last thing the brass wants is to be getting more pesky rape allegations thrown in their face… Although honestly it doesnt seem like the military ever bothers to actually investigate rape allegations, how put-out can they really be when protocol basically amounts to telling the victim to shut the fuck up?

….And yet there are still female soldiers who are willing to face the possibility of completely outrageous treatment by their superiors in order to be allowed the privilege of risking their lives for their country. Women who make the decision to join the military and fight in combat should be respected and admired for what they are: fucking bad-ass. Of course some dudes can’t stand that shit! They are far more insecure as individuals than women are, most men can’t be themselves unless they are by themselves. They act like they’re so goddamn tough but if you want to fuck with their head all you have to do is tell them they have a tiny penis* and voilà they are emotionally destroyed for at least a few weeks if not permanently.
*For the record thats not ALL men, usually just the type of men who are mystified by women’s uncooperative attitude towards listening to their unsolicited opinion of the female anatomy. They think if its complimentary its ok to just yell shit out. It never occurs to this type of man that the implication that all woman are secretly yearning for the patent approval of male strangers is totally fucking insulting not to mention 100% untrue.
“Someone thinks I’m pretty! My prayers have been answered!”
Yeah, not quite.

Segregating the combat units by gender seems like a perfect compromise which is probably why no one has even considered it. And, of course, anything that would be beneficial to female troops is automatically going to cost too much because they’ll want all kinds of special stuff. Like what? Bras? Tampons? Water? all I have to say in response to anyone who believes that is eat shit and die, you’re stupid.

In my opinion, the REAL reason that some men still don’t want women in combat; and the reason segregating the genders in the case of combat units will never, ever, even be suggested is clear,- at least to me.
Y’all KNOW there is a good chance we would show your sorry, insecure, lily livered, little punk-asses the fuck UP.  Were it possible to compare all-female units  with all-male units I am confident that by contrast men would appear to have terrible impulse control in a crisis. Other things of that nature might suddenly come into stark relief and god help us all if more than a half dozen women at a time were to actually receive any credit or acknowledgement as military leaders.
Oh, one more thing: in terms of communicating with each other when the stress level is high; we would make you look like a bunch of inefficient, unorganized, retards, fumbling around trying to figure out whose thumb is up whose asshole. Congratulations guys, it must feel good to still be able to carry heavy stuff and win at arm wrestling.

So put that in yer pipe and let it burst into motherfuckin’ flames for all I care.

P.s. I haven’t fact checked ANYthing, but I bet its all true, I’m usually right, so no one should let the lack of sited sources stop them from repeating this whole thing in its entirety with total conviction.

2 comments on “The War on Vaginas -by Devan Winchester
  1. Dear Mulligan,
    Ihave a revised version of this which I would have sent you if you had emailed me, you motherfucker. And I did almost throw the computer out the window reading your response because there are several arguments addressed in the revision. God damn it.

    • To Iain’s better half,
      Haha my comp’s only slightly more useful than a paperweight at times, but I’m gonna read n post ur breathless revision either tonight or tomorrow. Tee hee.
      With much love and admiration,

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