The Walking Dead

This is how a cemetery should look: empty.

This is how a cemetery should look: empty.


After feeling like I was living in Moscow for the entire month of February, it’s been quite a joy to see previously forgotten and elusive sunny days during April and May.  I was driving around the other day past a gargantuan cemetery when suddenly I almost longed for the snow again.  It looked like a fuckin amusement park in there.  There were ninety people walking around, walking their dogs, jogging—I even saw one brainless young mother pushing a fuckin stroller!  I was about to call child protective services.

Hey assholes, it’s the cemetery.  That’s where people shove corpses into the ground and sit around headstones either weeping, or stealing another plot’s flowers like Ratso Rizzo.  It’s not for douchebags to go on a little stroll on a sunny day.  Gee, if only there was a giant fuckin beautiful park like Massasoit or the bird sanctuary to walk around in, these people wouldn’t be forced to trot on the heads of dead bodies.

Speaking of dead bodies, I do agree that cemeteries are pretty morbid and useless.  The cemetery by my house is chock fulla corpses from the muthafuckin 1800s.  I don’t think anyone’s coming by to visit any time soon.  They should just pluck all the headstones out and build something useful in its place, like a weed dispensary.  Then with any luck it will become haunted like an Indian burial ground.

Like everybody, I’ve got several people that are big bags of dead in my life, and I’ve never had even the slightest inclination to visit their graves.  I can have the same conversation with the pitcher’s mound at the East Taunton Little League field that I can have at the gravesite of one of my dead-ass relatives.  What the fuck am I going to say to them?  So uh, still dead?  Word.  See ya.  I mean, if there was any chance of some Night of The Living Dead kind of shenanigans, then maybe I’d swing by now and then to check shit out.  But that ain’t bloody likely.

While they may be primitive and a waste of perfectly good real estate, cemeteries are unfortunately here to stay.  So stay the fuck out of them and take your walks some place else.


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