In easily the most disgusting NFL Draft in history, a buncha dudes went to a buncha teams and then two gay guys revolted America on national TV.
Okay, are we done with the NFL draft now already?
Every year, it gets worse. The coverage of the goddamn draft is already non-stop on like eight different networks, and now there’s talks of expanding the draft to even longer after next season. What for? Ninety eight percent of the coverage is absolutely meaningless. Does anybody give a shit the endless amount of mock drafts we had to suffer through any more? Analysts spent countless hours crafting that drivel and then they instantly become useless about ten seconds after the draft starts. And the combine might be fun and all, but until the actual games start being played it doesn’t really matter how athletic you are on a football field. So there’s another colossal waste of time.
Draft highlights include Jadeveon Clowney going number one, Johnny Manziel falling to number 22, and my beloved Patriots drafting a fuckin QB for some ungodly reason. Man, Brady must be thrilled that he took that home town discount after last season. He immediately loses Wes Welker, they haven’t reloaded him with much-needed receivers this offseason, and now they draft some new asshole to take his place. Are the Pats out of their minds?
The draft lowlight was unquestionably Michael Sam and his boyfriend’s horrifying reaction to Sam being drafted 249th overall. Look, I’m into gay rights, and obviously Sam and his man are entitled and should be expected to celebrate as any heterosexual couple would…But they’re not gonna get the same reaction any heterosexual couple would. Namely, nationwide nausea. I’d rather watch a sex tape with Vince Wilfork and his blushing 900-lb bride then re-live that Sam sham again. Blech. How about a little warning ESPN?
Until team veterans made a stink, Sam was reportedly the subject of an upcoming documentary entitled “Inside Michael Sam.” It was going to be directed by his boyfriend’s penis.