The Mr. Skullhead Show

The skulls come in three sizes: male, female, and Trump voter.

The skulls come in three sizes: male, female, and Trump voter.

 

“Left some jewels in his skull that he can sell if he chose.”   -Nas

 

As a connoisseur of fine wines and liquors, such as the kind of wine that comes in a bag and Gut Rot brand vodka, I’ve certainly noticed what can only be described as “Skullhead Vodka” in upscale liquor stores everywhere.  You know, the kind of liquor stores that get robbed at gunpoint.  Clearly this is the best marketing-oriented packaging ever made—besides my upcoming “Fuck You” brand potato chips, of course.  The exorbitant price tag always kept me from turning into the Bone Collector however.  Plus, who gives a fuck, it’s just another regular vodka, nothing special.

At least that’s what I assumed, but I recently found out that alien abductee Dan Akroyd was the brains inside the Skull, and man let me tell you, this man is serious about his vodka.  This Skullhead shit has won the Lush Cup four years in a row.  Well, I’m not sure the name exactly, but it has won like every award and competition known to man.  Skullhead dominates the drunken version of the Cannabis cup every year.  Although how the fuck you can sit around pounding different vodkas all day and maintain the ability to “judge” them is beyond me.

According to the former Ghostbuster, who can explain in painfully meticulous detail, the reason for Skullhead’s endless accolades is the superior ingredients it uses.  As we all know, most vodka is made from piss and gasoline mixed together, while his Skullhead brand is pure piss.  Mmm-mm.  Smooth.

Then again, how goddamn good can any vodka really be?  I always use a chaser anyway.  But the real reason for my newfound desire to buy booze from a boneyard is that cool-ass skull.  That’s easily the dopest bottle ever made.  After I drain it I’m gonna fill it up with water and leave it on my kitchen counter to watch over the place when I’m gone.  Then when people ask for a shot I’ll be like, “Sure, go ahead. It’s so smooth it tastes like water.”

The one drawback to the Shogun’s decapitator’s favorite booze is my penchant for leaving empty liquor bottles everywhere.  Going into my draws and cabinets is like an alcoholic Easter egg hunt.  With traditional bottles that’s one thing, but if I switch over to Skullhead, all those empties piling up will look like the damn Holocaust.

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