“That which originates from a black deed will blossom in a foul manner.” -Sol Rosenthal, Crimes and MIsdemeanors
Sometimes I wish the news wasn’t so accessible to the point of being downright unavoidable.
Unfortunately for my everlasting sanity, I just had my brain raped upon hearing that perhaps the greatest listening pleasure ever crafted by mankind will never grace my unworthy eardrums. That’s right folks, the Beatles of my generation, the muthafuckin Wu Tang Clan, has finished essentially what amounts to Wu Tang Forever II, titled “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin.” Obviously mindful of destroying society by releasing such addictive audio to the masses, the Wu decided that the unimaginable brilliance of the album could only be contained in one single copy. That copy was then recently auctioned for two million dollars to an unnamed luckiest person on the planet. Considering the album’s absolutely fuckin priceless, I’d say whoever bought it got off cheap. Well, it just came out who the rich prick was: Martin Shkreli.
At first glance, the phrase, “Who the fuck is that?” seems like the appropriate response to such a ho-hum revelation. But if you’ll remember a month or so ago when someone obviously not vying for Humanitarian of the Year cornered the market on the AIDS vaccine, called Guy-lenol, and promptly displayed boundless compassion by ratcheting up the price more than fuckin tenfold. This sociopathic cocksucker raised the cost on a bunch of terminally ill AIDS patients who need the drug to live from something like thirteen bucks to over seven hundred the second he got his fuckin evil genius hands on the patent. The guy’s a regular Sex Luthor.
Unless RZA has AIDS, the new Wu album falling into such a malignant cunt’s possession is an unspeakable tragedy. Besides throwing the greatest private record release party ever—just imagine, any chick attending he could inarguably go in raw—there is nothing but worldwide sadness that can come from this money-grubbing ghoul being the sole owner of the most important audio since, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” A hundred years from now, the name “Shkreli” will be as synonymous with evil as the Hitler.
Unless Hitler Jr. releases the album for free on YouTube, which will automatically clear him of any and all wrongdoing, he should be forever acknowledged as “The Most Hateable Man In The World.” Not only is he responsible for an unspeakably selfish act that will destroy the lives of millions and should appropriately earn him life in prison, he also raised the price on the AIDS vaccine.