The Illustrated Man

I think I'd be a tad miffed if I received this charming tattoo under false pretenses.

I think I’d be a tad miffed if I received this charming tattoo under false pretenses.


I just heard either the most despicable or the funniest damn story if all time.  It seems that in the Land Down Under, where as I understand it women glow and men plunder, some dude got a tattoo so horrifying that it would take an army of shitty TV shows to fix. This poor bastard has all the luck: he’s schizophrenic, bi-polar, autistic, and has the mental age of a 10 year-old.  But thank god at least he’s got his “mates”…

So the guy is hanging out with a couple of his friends who probably look like the cast of The Road Warrior, and the three dopes began pounding alcohol at a feverish pace–and since it’s Australia you just know it was those giant barrel-sized cans so they musta got hammered pretty quick.  So after getting shitfaced, the Three Wise Men did what any responsible people would do and decided to throw an impromptu tattoo party.  Of course the two absolute scumbag pranksters convinced the dimmest of the bulbs present to get a big stupid Yin and Yang symbol on his back.  What happened next could make a dingo eat a baby.

Whoever the Picasso was that thought it appropriate to permanently etch something into the flesh of a guy with the IQ of a kangaroo decided at the last minute to throw a little curve ball.  Everyone who gets a Chinese character tattoo has the same fear: that unbeknownst to them, the seedy tattoo artist is gonna replace something gay like “Strength” or “Honor” with something even gayer like “I love cock.”  This Aussie asshole took that nightmarish concept to an entirely new level when he wrote that exact phrase on the man’s back, and then to further drive the point home superfluously added a giant crudely drawn penis and testicles to boot.  I guess he just wanted to make sure nobody would get confused and think he meant roosters.

But have no fear, there is a happy ending to this ridiculousness after all because both the fuckface responsible for the phallic masterpiece and his numskull cheerleading buddy got sent to the klink for a year and some change.  So in the end, it all worked out. Two jokesters who thought it’d be funny to brand the mentally ill like x-rated cattle are busy getting ass-raped in prison right now, and the guy with the tattoo can always out-do any ink-related competition by saying, “That’s not a tat…That’s a tat!”





Leave a Reply