The Holey Ghost

All his exes lived in Texas.

In a touch of irony, all of the gunman’s exes lived in Texas.


If in 2016, killing blacks was the new black, then in 2017, it’s killing everybody that’s been the year’s hottest fashion statement.

In the latest example of the newest craze sweeping the nation, in where else but a hillbilly hellhole like Texas, some disgruntled cracker (surprise, surprise) turned a small church into a shooting gallery and machine-gun funk’d like 26 people.  Of course since it’s Texas, he was chased away from the deadly scene by not one but two local bumpkins with guns of their own.  He would have got away too but he happened to trip over another gun and fell into a big pile of guns.  The impact then caused a dreaded “gun avalanche” from a giant mountain of guns nearby.  Luckily however, some residents have begun setting up “shoot kitchens” to help dazed locals at least get a warm bowl of bullets.

But before we jump to obvious conclusions about crackery complexions or religious fuckfacery, unfortunately this latest mass shooting was all the product of some ho-hum domestic squabble.  It turns out the shooter, Devin “Machine Gun” Kelley, had been booted from the army after serving a year in army jail for throttling his then-wife, and cracking the skull of his eighteen month-old stepson back in 2012.  At the trial, Kelley countered the domestic violence allegations with heart-wrenching tales of lukewarm roast beef, reducing many of the male jurors to tears, but his claims of an “overzealous noogie” being responsible for his step son’s injuries strained credibility somewhat, and unlike his wife, the case was something he just couldn’t beat.

So now after divorce from that domestic bliss, a year having American History Sex, and a dishonorable discharge, Kelley sought revenge by turning his ex mother-in-law’s church into the O.K. Corral.  At least it’s nice to see he’s moved on in life.  Unfortunately for fans of family reunions, neither his ex-broad nor her momma dukes were at church that day, and a bunch of innocent parishoners got gatt’d instead—including the daughter of the deacon or whatever.  Luckily no athiests were harmed in the massacre however, thank god.

Which is by far the funniest aspect of this Texas-sized tragedy.  All these religious assholes got plugged fulla holes while they were in the middle of church services.  Pretty powerful statement about god’s will, wouldn’t you say?  I mean, if their invisible boyfriend in the sky didn’t want the bloody shooting to happen, wouldn’t he just I Dream of Genie’d the gun out of the guy’s hand?  Or magically jammed it?  Seems like god was rooting for the massacre to go down.  He does work in mysterious ways after all.  So I guess this whole thing was a blessing, right?

Meanwhile, instead of realizing the obvious about their fatally-flawed ideology, religious nut-jobs have succeeded in essentially flipping logic inside-out by returning to the same fuckin church to pray for the people that were just gunned down in those same seats days before.  Like, what the fuck?  The people who got killed were already doing that!  They were literally sitting there praying when they got shot in the face.  Didn’t seem to help them too much.

The blood hasn’t even dried off the church benches yet, and these fanatical clowns are ruining perfectly good pairs of pants to pray to a “god” who according to their wacky beliefs let the whole thing happen in the first place.  I hope a bolt of lightning hits the place during the vigil.  Maybe then the fuckin retards will get the message.


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