The Epsteins: Trouble in Paradise?

The Epsteins fiary tale wedding may be doomed to end in divorce.

The hideous Epsteins fairy tale wedding at the Town Dump may be doomed to end in smelly divorce.

 

Mulligan’s Spew site designer Mad Stupid Jason Epstein and his husband, the vile and hulking behemoth known as Deebo, have apparently filed for a divorce, according to such illustrious news sites as “Who Gives A Fuck dot com” and “Black Inches.”  Reporters have obtained said horrid documents, and while in some circles they make for excellent mastubatory material, sifting through the wreckage of one of the most vomit-inducing relationships since the dawn of man is quite the disturbing read indeed.

Sadly, it appears the Epstein’s seemingly blissful wedding at the fabulous Town Dump was the last truly beautiful carefree moment shared by the couple, as problems began as soon as the Honeymoon night due to an ill-timed Vaseline shortage.  Jason, being mad stupid, suggested they substitute with a giant vat of Crisco but accidentally spread hot glue on his lover’s anus instead.  The resulting emergency room visit did much to quell the once fiery passion of the now magic-less night.

Additionally they arrived home from the hospital only to find that their love nest—aka the dumpster behind Roscoe’s chicken and waffles—was tragically escorted via dump truck to a location unknown to the stunned couple.  Mad Stupid Jason actually saw the truck leaving with his garbage-filled Love Shack, but he naturally ran out of gas during the pursuit.  According to the report, a single tear ran down the notorious M.S.J’s cheek as his maggot-infested flytrap disappeared into the horizon, while Deebo pondered aloud if his hubby was in fact seriously mentally handicapped.

Deebo slept at his mother’s for the next several weeks as Mad Stupid Jason tried to maintain his supposed Hallmark Card home-life to his friends and co-workers.  Luckily everyone Mad Stupid Jason knows doesn’t give even the slightest kernel of shit about anything about him, so obviously no one noticed or cared.

Things look bleak if these documents should come to surface during the divorce proceedings however.  Not only do they painstakingly recount in disgustingly meticulous detail each and every nauseating homo-erotic act the Epstiens ever took part in, Deebo levels a charge at Mad Stupid Jason that could potentially send him to prison for the rest of his life, and even worse force him to discontinue his mediocre work on Mulligan’s Spew: necrophilia.

That’s right folks you heard me correctly.  Deebo’s leveling the appalling charges of what police officially refer to as, “A big ol bag of necrophilia sauce.”  According to the paperwork filed, there’s evidently much more Deebo could elaborate on about these shocking accusations, but he was waiting for his longtime friend and former lover Judge Ito to get back from delivering egg rolls and preside over the case.

Meanwhile the burning questions on everyone’s minds are, “Will the proceedings move forward?  And when?  And where the fuck did I put that roach?”

Thankfully, Mulligan’s Spew will have all of the repulsive and unsettling details in the weeks and months to come.  It is certainly in the realm of possibility that we could well be bearing witness to the upcoming Trial Of The Century.  And no matter the outcome, more importantly let’s hope that such Woodward and Bernstein-esque reporting continues.  Only this time with even more deep throat.

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4 comments on “The Epsteins: Trouble in Paradise?
    • I can’t disagree with you, but it’s kind of an inside joke between me and the dude who set the site up for me. Stupid yes, but nontheless endlessly entertaining for me.

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