The Colossal Asshole

Luckily this is clearly a fictional story.  Cough.

This is a fictional story.  It certainly didn’t just happen ten minutes ago.



(Phone ringing)

“Hello, Cardi’s furniture.”

“Hello, yes I purchased a mattress from you guys last month and the headboard was back-ordered.  You said it would take about a month before it came.  I was just checking on if it’s coming today or tomorrow.”

“Okay sir what’s the name?”


“Hmm, I’m not seeing anything here sir.”

“Anything about when it’s coming or anything at all?”

“Anything at all.  Sir, what was the phone number used with the order?”

“Anything at all?  What the fuck do you mean anything at all?”

“Calm down sir.  What was the number?”

“What the fuck do you mean calm down?  The number’s (withheld).  Are you telling me you’re stealing my goddamn money?”

“Sir I need you to calm down.”

“Fuck calming down!  What’s coming up?”

“I’m not seeing anything.  Sir, what was the brand of mattress?”

“The brand of mattress?  Fuck you you cocksuckin piece of shit!  You muthafuckas think you’re gonna steal from me and I–”

“Sir did you order from Bernie and Phyl’s next door?”

“(Embarrassed silence)  Um, actually yeah.  Perhaps I did.”

“Good bye sir.”

“Good bye.” (Gunshot sound)


Leave a Reply