I’m flippin channels when I see one of the greatest movies of all time Reservoir Dogs is just starting. Then it hits me like a thunderclap: Tarantino sucks shit nowadays…what the fuck happened?
Some people may do a double-take at such a supposition, but then they’re morons because Tarantino hasn’t made a great film since Kill Bill Vol I. He’s admittedly managed to make one fairly decent one, but this is the same guy who made the aforementioned time capsule movie in his directorial debut, both wrote and directed Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown, penned True Romance and Natural Born Killers (although Oliver Stone butchered Tarantino’s original script), and co-wrote From Dusk Til Dawn. In other words, he should be held to a higher standard than the average Joseph. And by his lofty standards, he’s been churning out drivel for the last decade. Let’s examine his recent piss-poor catalog:
Kill Bill Vol II – Before this film, Tarantino was the Midas of the movie industry, everything this dude touched turn to gold. Well maybe not everything but fuck you I liked Four Rooms. This was where it all went downhill though. The first film ended in such an astonishing way that I literally have never anticipated a sequel more. And it sucked balls. Big hairy elephantiasis balls.
First of all, fuck even that it had the most anticlimactic final fight scene in the history of cinema, the message of the film from a forty-one year-old childeless man is the most anti-father’s parental rights story imaginable. The professional assassin boyfriend that Uma Thurman ran out on while pregnant with his kid without even telling him found herself tracked down and amazingly not greeted with open arms. When he finally finds her, Bill sees that not only is Uma not dead as her disappearance led him to believe, but she’s pregnant and both ludicrously and ironically getting married (obviously Bill assumed her baby bump was enragingly the schmuck’s she was marrying). So he slaughters everybody (okay, maybe he went a little overboard) and now Uma decides to give the big reveal milliseconds before she’s shot in the forehead. Jesus, shit like what she pulled can make a fuckin accountant turn murderous, and she’s supposed to be surprised that a murderer turned murderous?
The bottom line is upon hearing the news, Bill did the right thing and raised the fuckin kid. When Uma rolls up on his spot, he’s in the middle of being very obviously a great father. Hmm, perhaps if Uma had told Bill she was pregnant in the first place instead of running off this whole fuckin fiasco could have been avoided.
Then of course it’s okay that Uma murders the only parent her child has ever known because she’s the mother and well…the lioness has rejoined her cub after all. What the fuck? And where were the daughter’s questions like, “Where are we going?” or “Where’s my dad?” as Uma trots with her out of her giant luxurious house and kidnaps her to some seedy motel room? This entire film that had about twenty relevant minutes that should have been simply tacked on to the original, but Quentin got greedy. Still, at the time I reasoned that the brilliance of the first film couldn’t be topped and alas, any sequel would have failed to live up to the original. Now I know better…
Death Proof – Also known as “That stupid fuckin car movie,” this is when Tarantino completely lost me. This is probably the most annoying film ever made, with endless irrelevant and irritating conversations between a bunch of characters nobody gives a shit about. I don’t know anyone on earth who enjoyed it, and I don’t think even Tarantion’s own family members could give this hunk of shit a positive review. I’m getting aggravated just thinking about the goddamn thing. Let’s move on…
Inglourious Basterds – This is the one decent film on the list. It’s magnificently acted, well-written (in certain scenes anyway), and actually amazingly features a Tarantino film that’s not swamped in seventies nostalgia. The problem here is quite obvious: it’s horrifyingly stupid, irresponsible, and narcassistic distortion of a historically accurate ending.
I seem to recall Hitler offing himself and having his corpse burned. Then the majority of the Nazi high command was tried and hanged at Nuremberg. I certainly don’t muthafuckin remember all the cocksuckers being burned alive in a theatre! How the fuck do you make a film about World War II—the most important event in the history of human civilization—and trivialize it with your comic book fantasy-driven horseshit?? Only after Tarantino’s prior monstrous successes could he or any director possibly attempt such utter deranged and outrageous arrogance.
I would also like to point out that it’s a Jewish revenge-fantasy film about World War II…that eludes to but never directly even mentions the fuckin Holocaust. But wait a minute, then why are the Basterds so shockingly over-the-top and torturously violent to the Germans while we in the audience cheer it on because, “Fuck the Nazis. The Holocaust and shit.” Why indeed because the true extent of the horrors of the Holocaust weren’t known until after Germany was defeated. So the Basterds spend an entire movie getting revenge for something that they didn’t even know had taken place yet. Hence not a peep about it. Sadly his most well-made film of the last decade was also definitely one of Tarantino’s sloppiest writing efforts of his career.
Django Unchained – But that slop doesn’t have anything on the slopfest that is Django Unchained. Three seconds into the movie you see the unecessarily seventies-ass camera style and you immediately think, “Jesus Christ here we go.” This is once again a movie about an incredibly important historical event that Tarantino appeared to do no research on whatso-fuckin-ever before making an entire goddamn film about it. For example, there were no such things as those idiotic slave death matches. Slaves were property, why would anyone want to needlessly destroy their own most valuable property? That would be like owning a fleet of BMWs only to play demolition derby with them.
And the word “muthafucka” was not in existence in the 1800s. Have you ever seen True Grit by the truly great filmmakers The Coen Brothers they released two years before this embarrassment? Each film depicts around the same time period, yet note how vastly differently the characters speak—it’s called historical fuckin accuracy douchebag.
But why be accurate when you can get a cheap laugh? At one point in this pile of piss, there’s a “hilarious” scene in which The Klan is lampooned for their ridiculous garb. “You silly geese Klansmen,” Tarantino seems to imply, “Look how amusingly ill-conceived your hoods are.” Well, that certainly is a knee-slapper except the Klan wasn’t founded until 1865, and this film supposedly takes place in 1858. See, before Slavery ended, um, there wasn’t really a need for a Klan Quentin you fuckin history book-challenged numbskull.
And it’s painfully obvious that Tarantino has absolutely nobody around him to tell him anything resembling a “no” or “the truth”. How else could you explain the most embarrassing directorial cameo of all time? When this muthafucka shows up in the middle of Django, for absolutely no reason mind you, you can literally feel the illusion of it being the 1800s shatter before your eyes. And then he opened his mouth. Holy shit that was the worst Australian accent I’ve ever heard in my life. He sounded like the fuckin guy on the Outback Steakhouse commercial. “G’day mate, come and get a steeeak.”
Tarantino was at one time mentioned with the great directors not only of his era, but of all time. With his last decade’s non-stop assembly line of one batch of crap after the next, he’s certainly sinking his legacy.