As any true football aficianado has discovered, Matt Mulligan knows his way around Gillette Stadium, and as such, am often privy to some titillating scuttlebutt. And I hear shit too. Here’s a few of the towel-snapping topics currently permeating the Pats’ locker room:
Justin Time – Fragile lummox and walking MASH unit Rob Gronkowski has further cemented his claim as the most overstuffed bag of douche in New England sports after apparently catching the AIDS-like Bieber Fever. In the ugliest NFL photo scandal since Adrien Peterson, the pea-brained dimwit and the pop princess recently posed together like some nightmarish prom picture. Why in the fuck is this little twat popping up like his faceful of zits at so many sporting events lately? And even more important, why in the fuck aren’t any of these dumbfounded athletes DJ Jazzy Jeff-ing his scrawny ass out of their locker rooms? So they can get an autograph for their little sisters? Taking a picture with The Village People would be less gay. As the youngest person ever diagnosed with osteoperosis, Gronk’s goofy-ass should forget about snapping pictures and worry about snapping bones.
Tommy’s Boys – It’s not often discussed what a civil rights hero Tom Brady is for honoring black athletes everywhere by knocking up some chick and then immediately bouncing on her. Although taking that load did set her up for life, which financial experts say gives new meaning to the phrase “liquid cash.” After remembering his nationality, Brady regained his senses and got married before he dumped any of his golden seed into Jizz-elle. Of course, nobody cares about his offspring with the broad he treated like an old shoe, but I can’t help but wonder what kind of weirdo accents the kids he actually cares about must have. Think about it, Giselle sounds like a cleaning lady, Brady’s a surfer dude, and every kid in their class is saying, “Pahk my cah in Hahvad yahd.” Those kids must be harder to understand than a Chinese playbook.
Hide Receiver – Besides the microphones at Belichick’s press conferences, the Patriot’s most useless expense is definitely eleventh-string wideout that just got his hamstring blown out, Aaron Dobson. This hunk of garbage wasn’t exactly being confused for Randy Moss this season after racking up only three measly catches for 38 meaningless yards. Those wouldn’t be impressive numbers for a first half. After a decent rookie campaign, this sophomore slump chump played like the invisible man this year. Brady saw his bastard kid more than he saw this dude. Not to mention there’s about 3.4 million reasons to dump Dobson faster than a Brady baby momma. If the Pats are lucky they might be able to trade him for a sack of used jock straps.