No, that wasn’t Hulk Hogan making a long overdue comeback at the famous Montana P.A.L., although the Hulkster’s feelings on race relations would fit right in with the current administration, but instead it was Greg “The Hammer” Gianforte. In the current warped political environment, it appears politicians are starting to behave more and more like pro wrestlers. If only they had the same mortality rate.
So in a dirt parking lot calling itself the state of Montana, Gianforte and his Democrat opponent Rob Quist were battling over a vacant seat in Montana’s house of representatives. Distrubingly, it turns out Quist is a goddamn country music singer and dead ringer for Jed Clampett, so if anything he should have been the one getting bodyslammed. Off a balcony.
When asked a perfectly reasonable question by The Guardian’s Ben Jacobs, aka Lois Lame, concerning Trump’s disastrous and decidedly unpopular health care bill, Gianforte snapped. Unfortunately for him, his righteous claims of self defense from one of those tough guy liberal reporters we’ve heard so much about went poof when Jacobs’ rather womanly version of the incident was confirmed by several other reporters on hand, including one from Fox News, so you know it’s true. Even more damning is Jacobs’ tape recording of the incident, in which you can hear Jacobs bemoan, “You broke my glasses,” in true Jerky Boys fashion, after being “picked up by the neck and bodyslammed.” Although technically, if he was picked up by the neck that would actually be a “chokeslam.”
The next day, Gianforte still trounced Texas tea mogul Quist by seven points, one for every stitch the reporter he powerbombed or whatever needed, so now Gianforte gets to wear the coveted sash of a Montana state representative. His chickens and goats must be so proud. Political experts say it didn’t help that Quist reportedly leg dropped his wife on the same day as the “bodyslam” incident. At Gianforte’s acceptance speech, he sniffled an apology to his hick supporters, who held up giant foam fingers and shouted their forgiveness. Then on his way out the door Gianforte dropkicked an old lady.
But since Gianforte was heavily endorsed by Trump and campaigned with both mummified Mike Pence and stupefied Donald Trump, Jr. (the elder Donald himself of course would never set foot in such a podunk fly-over state), Gianforte has what else but…wait for it…drum roll please…
Shady financial ties with the Russians! Ta-da!
Gianforte has shares in both the biggest state-controlled oil and gas giants in Russia, Gazprom and Rosneft, which were each put under strict U.S. sanctions after the Russians said Ukraine was weak and invaded. Shocking.
Other than commie subservience and his repertoire of wrestling moves, this 315 million dollar man (another working class Republican, as usual) is most well-known as the head of the fabulous Gianforte Family Foundation, which has over 100 million dollars in assets itself. So what does this wonderful foundation spend all that cash on, pretell? Why, wholesome Christian activities mostly, like fighting abortion rights, banning gay marriage, and promoting Creationism. The foundation even donated a T-Rex skeleton to some wacko creationist museum in Montana, called “The Myth-stonian.” So let’s see, we can check off the boxes for rich and religious, but I don’t see any evidence of his being a racist. Yet. Still, for team Trump as Meatloaf would wail, “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.”
To get an idea of just how insanely fanatic Gianforete is, here’s his brilliant modern philosophy on retirement:
“There’s nothing in the Bible that talks about retirement. And yet it’s been an accepted concept in our culture today. Nowhere does it say, ‘Well, he was a good and faithful servant, so he went to the beach…The example I think of is Noah. How old was Noah when he built the ark? 600. He wasn’t like, cashing Social Security checks, he wasn’t hanging out, he was working. So, I think we have an obligation to work. The role we have in work may change over time, but the concept of retirement is not biblical.”
So obviously this nutjob is very influenced by the Bible. I guess when he’s not reading about Jesus turning the other cheek he’s physically assaulting wimpy reporters. The only part of “The New Testament” Gianforte should be concerned with is the definition of the term “hypocrite.”