“Hulk Hogan, I’m coming for you nigga!” – Booker T, half a second before visibly realizing what he just said
Oh, so it’s good enough for you, but it’s not good enough for Hulk, eh?
Dignity enthusiasts, WCW alumni, and the Giantsteins—Andre the Giant’s surviving family—simultaneously rejoiced when the WWF (I refuse to call them by any other acronym) dropped the big leg on Hulk Hogan last month, and shockingly Benoit’d the Hulkster’s memory from their history. The Wrestlemania of scandals began after the modern-day Walter Cronkites known as the National Inquirer broke a story that Hulk was trading in his bandana for a klansman’s hood after a racist tirade surfaced from his 2007 sex tape, which incidentally was Hulk’s most nauseating film since Mr. Nanny. I was perplexed when I heard the news, but I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it. After all, Hogan’s had misunderstandings before, like when he saved Miss Elizabeth and incensed a jealous Macho Man. That tragically broke up the Mega Powers for Pete’s sake. Surely things couldn’t have gone so awry again?
So I peeped a wee of what Hogan was babbling, and well, it’s actually a little disappointing. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say a sixty year old man was saying racist things in the privacy of his own home—which is a sinister reality too unimaginable to even consider. What the fuck? I mean, let’s not lose sight of the fact that this guy was having a private conversation in his home with his supposed best friend, cuckold fatso and fake-voiced radio wannabe, Bubba the Cum Sponge. I mean, if every assumed private conversation I’ve ever had in my life was being taped, it sure as shit could be cherry-picked for rather randy content. Who could say otherwise about themselves?
So moral outrage aside, the gist of Hogan’s ramblings was actually him shitting on daughter Brooke, who is so devoid of talent that she actually crossed the line into being anti-talented. He bemoaned the millions, aaaand miiiillions, of dollars he sunk into her laughable music career, then talk turned to some black billionaire who apparently suffered from some sort of permanent hearing loss and was going to fund her music, and the n-bombs started a-flying. Predictably, Hogan wasn’t thrilled with the idea of his daughter getting porked by the Junkyard Dog, and said as much. Yeah, him and every single other honest white dad on earth. Though Hogan did mention, and I quote, “I mean, I’d rather if she was going to fuck some nigger, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall nigger worth a hundred million dollars! Like a basketball player!” So let’s give him a little credit, the man is flexible.
Look, this isn’t the most charming side of the Hulkster sure, but exactly what portion of that goddamn sex tape was his tour de force performance? I couldn’t tell because of all the vomit on my TV screen. The fact of the matter is, I’m still not sure that Hulk’s a racist. I mean, just look at all the black wrestlers he worked with over the years, like, uh…um…well does North Korean ambassador Dennis Rodman count?
And even worse, now the poor bastard’s being forced to make the rounds on a grand Apology Tour, and his sad, basset hound face has to be plastered everywhere to be pitied. Have you seen him lately? The dude’s aged like ten years in a month. He just looks so beaten down and depresed. I gotta say, we just lost two legends this summer, Roddy Piper and Dusty Rhodes—and Dusty’s death hit me particularly hard because he was always in such terrific shape—and judging by how heartbroken he looks, now we may well being on our way to losing a third.
This is Hogan’s biggest mistake since he taught his son how to drive.