For years the loudest, most obnoxious, and monstrously ignorant voice on television has belonged to the sausage-lipped nincompoop known as Steven A. Smith. In fact, his constant idiocy is the reason why I stopped watching First Take in the goddamn first place. When they added him to the show as a full-time analyst—with the emphasis on the word “anal”—that was it for me. The unmatched stupidity and bias provided by Skip Bayless was more than enough to make me question my viewing habits, but then permanently teaming him with Steven A-hole was too toxic a combination for any sane person to endure.
Which is why I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised when I strolled into my room only to hear Smith’s unmistakably annoying voice spouting pure uncut foolery all over the airwaves. Apparently New Jersey Wets cornerback Antonio Cromartie was asked about legalizing the usage of medical marijuana in the NFL, and he said that he was for it. The prevailing wisdom is that weed is a more natural pain killer and less addictive than prescription drugs, and because of that since it’s already currently used by a significant amount of NFL players, they shouldn’t be fined or suspended over it.
Enter Steven Anal.
This dipshit, whose massive lips would make even a Bob Marley joint look like a tic tac in his mouth, obviously by his delusional arguments has never smoked weed, yet considers himself an authority on the subject in the vein of the director of “Reefer Madness.” Smith embarrassingly proceeded to go on a seven-hour diatribe describing the utter derangement society would suffer if this catastrophic decision was to be made. Highlights include pre-game smoking paranoia, the random and pointless mentioning of an NBA player who was supposedly high during a game, and after he was drowned in a sea of logic by actual NFL player Ryan Clark, Smith’s flailing ass went to his trusty bread and butter: race-baiting. As he dramatically lowered his hoarse, grating voice and slowly drawled every word in his especially aggravating New York accent, he babbled some gibberish about how this will affect the black community more than the white community, while adding that weed isn’t necessarily smoked more often in either community—which consequently totally pulls the rug out from under his own half-baked (pun intended) argument.
First off, weed should be legalized throughout the globe, period. In fact, it should be compulsory for all of mankind to begin smoking it from infancy. Maternity wards should look like the Cheech and Chong car as far as I’m concerned. But secondly, Smith is as usual talking directly out of his ass. His fantasy of a world gone mad because NFL players are no longer kicked out of the goddamn league over a little wacky tobacky truly sounds like the psychotic ramblings of a sick and disordered mind.
I’ve never cared for Smith’s particularly irritating brand of jock-sniffing journalism, or his constant references to this player or that player as his “boy.” We get it, you know professional athletes. You’re a fuckin sports writer, you’re supposed to. What you’re not supposed to do is greedily lap up their sweat in the locker room after the game and then massage their inflated egos with softball questions. And it’s funny how Smith has Shaq and Kobe and LeBron on speed dial, but dudes like Scrub Scrubbington never seem to get the digits. If you’re a basketball player so famous that you’re recognized by one name like fuckin Cher or some shit then Smith’s playing the telephone game all night long, but if you’re riding the bench you get the 555 treatment.
Not to mention the man is supposedly a professional writer who speaks as though English is his second language. His parrot-like ability to memorize a few multi-syllabic words that he then trots out either at inappropriate times or simply misuses altogether is the mental equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard. Watch this numskull for just a few minutes, and you’re bound to hear words like “bloviate” and “flagrant” sooner or later. That’s because they’re both on the microscopic vocabulary list he uses to sound more intelligent than he actually is. Skip Bayless might be a world class asshole, but at least he doesn’t manage to butcher the English language every time he opens his goddamn nonsense-infested mouth.
NFL players legally smoking weed is like ESPN strapping a muzzle to Smith: a great idea that’s long overdue.