Steaks and Claims

Is this raw enough for ya?

Is this raw enough for ya?


I just read some horseradish online that claimed ordering a well-done steak at a restaurant was a monstrous faux pas.  Really?  I’m just ordering my steak cooked how I like it, and they’re acting like I tried to use my dick to stir my drink.  Since when has properly-cooked food become so heinous and contemptible?

Like any normal and sensible person, I order absolutely everything well-done.  I’ll order a bowl of cereal well-done.  Whenever I’m unfortunate enough to be out to eat with him and make such a wonderful ordering choice, one of my moronic friends invariably makes some foolish comments about me ordering a hockey puck.  At this scathing insult I always politely chuckle, then wait for him to leave the table so I can spice up his order with a little pube sprinkling.  Bon Appétit asshole.

But that dope’s unfortunate unwanted toppings aside, what’s the big damn deal about how much or little I want my meal cooked?  Like I give a flying fuck how the shmoe next to me is getting their hamburger.  Who gives a shit?  I don’t care if it’s a lump of charcoal or it’s still mooing on his plate.  I don’t care if he orders a human hand.  I’m not eating the fuckin thing.

The fact is, most people are just plain weirdos, because bloody steaks are fuckin gross.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked down at someone’s plate after they’ve eaten a steak, and it looks like they’ve just performed an abortion on it.  The fuckin thing’s dripping with red and pink bloody slime everywhere.  It looks like Scarface’s bathroom on their goddamn plate, and these dude’s are lapping it up.  It’s nauseating.

Dimwitted people claim cooking meat well-done saps the flavor, but I don’t want the taste of fuckin blood in my mouth when I’m trying to eat dinner.  And I never bit into a masterpiece of a well-done burger or steak and mistook it for styrofoam.  Meanwhile, I’ve never seen a piece of rare meat and mistook it for something that couldn’t use another ten minutes on the grill.  Why don’t you friggin cannibals just eat the meat right out of the package?  You could pick away at raw hamburger and stuff big clumps of it into your mouth like Big League Chew.  Fantastic.  What’s with all that fire anyway, right?  It just saps the flavor.


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