There were more than just bulls running for their lives when a group of Spaniard terrorists pulled a Charlottesville of their own over the weekend, and plowed their van into a crowded group of pedestrians in Barcelona. Witnesses say they haven’t seen that kind of devestation since the Dream Team came through in ’92. The initial collison killed an especially unlucky thirteen people, before the driver fled on foot and GTA’d a fourteenth person to snatch their whip for the getaway before being killed by bullfighting police.
It was later learned that the night before the attack, a few of these jihadist geniuses apparently blew themselves up while cheffin’ up some homemade bombs in one of their lairs. It seems an impromptu game of patty cake turned tragic when the terrorists forgot to wash their hands of gun powder and other explosive materials they had just been handling. Two terrorists were splattered into smithereens but thankfully no real people were harmed. Then the next day came this Barcelona bullshit.
But it wasn’t over yet. Nine hours after Barcelona, another van of terrorists (where do the terrorists keep getting these fuckin things by the way? Is one of these dudes a used car dealer?) drove into another crowd of people in some city no one had previously heard of called Cambrils. Evidently these particular martyrs flunked driving school but excelled in stabbing school, as they harmlessly overturned the van before piling out and shanking passersby, one of them to death. Unsurprisingly, all five terrorists found that the old saying, “Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight” to be a true one, when Spanish police arrived and skipped the Inquisition by immediately pumping them all fulla lead.
In total, fifteen regular people and eight worthless terrorists (fuck putting “alleged”, the fuckin knives were still protruding from their victims when they were rightfully gunned down for chrissake) were killed, and over 150 people were injured. Of the twelve suspected memebers of the Gang That Couldnt Drive Straight, all dirty dozen have been either captured or killed. Luckily, descriptions of the fleeing criminals made it easier for police to track them down, as each Arab assailant was described by eyewitnesses as, “Not quite Spanish-looking. More like a Sorta Rican.”