With all this cocksuckin snow having people throughout the Northeast going stir crazy like it’s “The Shining”, luckily there’s always some distractions from the world of sports. Whether it’s behaving like buffoons, disappointing an entire city, or raking in cash from imbeciles, there’s plenty of inane shenanigans to artfully dissect and serve to the masses for mental sustenance. Namely:
The Fakers – After an overtime win over the alleged Celtics, three different Lakers swarmed Jeremy “Shao” Lin’s post-game interview, and not just because they wanted an order of fried rice. The trio made absolute asses out of themselves as they celebrated like they just won game 7 of the finals, instead of their mere fourteenth game of a disastrous regular season. When I initially saw it, I legitimately thought it was a joke. It looked like a badly done skit. Especially given the sideline reporter’s obvious irritation, I thought to myself, “Who are these sketch troop guys that bum-rushed the interview? Damn, Key and Peele’s really stepping up their make-up game.” Watching Kobe’s pained reaction to the embarrassing display of utter boobery on Jimmy Kimmel last night, the film “Silent Rage” immediately sprang to mind. Besides his way with women, I’ve never been a Kobe fan, but a player of his caliber deserves better than limping off into the sunset, let alone on a mangy old nag that needs to be put down.
Hell Met – The team with the worst nickname in sports, the Cleveland Browns, decided to excite no one with the yawn-inducing announcement of a change in their team logo for next season. Most assumed a steaming turd wearing a helmet as the obvious choice, but instead the Browns went with something even smellier: a wee extra amount of orange on the helmet, and basically nothing else. Ta da! Holy shitstains, that’s some inventive and bold new design. The Clowns could have changed logos without anyone even noticing. Classic Cleveland. They’re too dumb to even capitalize on a fresh new logo to sell merchandise to the dumbass Dawg Pound. Who’s gonna buy slightly more orangey jerseys? Dogs are color blind anyway. That’s the worst updated logo since Hitler’s infamous slightly blacker swastika.
Paidmark – Fresh off losing the Super Bowl in hilarious fashion to the best team in the earth’s 4.5 billion-year history, the muthafuckin Patriots, Seattle’s Marshawn Lynch has continued to cement his reputation as perhaps the biggest cunt in sports history by trademarking his corny-ass, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” First of all, the dummy’s just biting Belichik. The greatest coach ever started that trend of annoying repetition with his, “We’re on to Cincinnati” press conference. The difference is that while the notoriously wooden Belichik was invoking his Dick Amendment Right to ignore dumb questions, Lynch’s pompous tirade was the most he had spoken to the press all season. Now the shitbird is cashing in by hawking his ignorant catchphrase to his moronic fans through his website? Yeah, he’s a real rebel all right. “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” And the press is just there so they don’t get fired. I hope the dope retires like he’s been threatening to and starts slingin’ T-shirts instead. Ironically, he’s already a clothing mogul in his beloved Africa—after all, that’s where they send all the losing Super Bowl shirts.