Towel heads everywhere are crashing their camels into each other in disgust over the horrifying news that the bastion of feminism known as Saudi Arabia has just done the unthinkable. No, not quit financing terrorism. Instead they’ve done something even more shocking: granted women, of all preposterous creatures, the actual right to drive. And not just the little toys outside of stores that you put quarters in, but an actual car.
And that deafening record skipping sound you just heard throughout the Middle East wasn’t just because there was sand on the turntables.
I mean, where to begin? This is clearly the beginning of the downfall of Saudi society as we know it. Women drivers? What’s next, learning to read? Voting? Not experiencing the joys of honor rape? That’s a world I just don’t want to live in.
These fuckin rug riders are something else. In 2017 they’re all proud of themselves for allowing women to finally use a machine that’s been around for over a century. I guess that’s what they consider right on time. And it’s not like the day after the vote Arab chicks were hopping in beamers and benzes and cruising the sand traps either. The law was evidently so jarring to the male population that it requires the gentlest of easing into, like quicksand, so it technically won’t actually go into effect until June of 2018, or what Muslims are already referring to as, “our 9/11.”
Shit like this makes me laugh though whenever Western women complain about the rampant stifling sexism that they have to bravely soldier through. Fuckin please. Talk to a Saudi Arabian chick about your goddamn invisible wage gap, but make sure to talk loudly so they can hear you through the fuckin trash bag they’re forced to wear in goddamn desert heat.
That’s an overlooked yet major problem though. Without females childishly playing behind the wheel like so many Maggie Simpsons, not only did Saudi Arabia coincidentally have the lowest car accident rates in the world, but now they will in all likelihood have the highest ever recorded. Because although women can finally drive, they still have to do it entirely encased in those fuckin Islamic trash bags. That’s not exactly ideal peripheral vision for things like parallel parking. It’s also not the clearest of pro-feminist messages, but rather baby steps being taken in those pointy-toed, Iron Sheik boots.