St. Patrick’s Day has traditionally been synonymous with the ancient and noble Irish tradition of getting shitfaced. It goes back to when Saint Patrick himself invented Ireland’s most famous export: alcoholism. As unquestionably the world’s ultimate ethnicity, we dirty drunken Micks understandably get our own day in order for everyone to properly celebrate our greatness, while bemoaning their own smelly heritage’s lack thereof. Really, it’s just an excuse for Amateur Night booze-hounds to puke green everywhere, but next to my birthday it stands as America’s most prestigious day.
And this year it was ruined.
After over twenty years of lisping complaints that they’re not allowed to needlessly ruin New York’s annual Saint Patrick’s Day parade, the Gay Mafia finally succeeded in crowbarring a buncha faggots and carpet-munchers into our formerly beautiful celebration of pure inebriated boobery. This is so fuckin infuriating. Why are fags so determined to wreck Saint Patrick’s Day parades? Where the fuck is their massive army of bull dykes and drag queens to destroy something no one gives a shit about, like the Puerto Rican Day parade? I don’t understand gay people’s obsession with disgracing the Irish when we’ve already done such a perfectly good job of drunkenly disgracing ourselves.
I remember as a wee lad when I first heard about this bizarre preoccupation to fagify Boston’s Saint Patty’s Day shenanigans, which homos repeatedly expressed with all the tact and grace of a nun in a dildo shop. It didn’t make any more sense to me then than it does now. If you’re gay, if you’re straight—if you fuck goats for heaven’s sake—none of that is relevant. Saint Patrick’s Day is about being Irish, not fagish. You don’t see a buncha freckly, whiskey-soaked goons marching in revolting Gay Pride parades. Know why? Because Gay Pride parades aren’t about being fuckin Irish. They’re about being Jets fans.
Unsurprisingly, the Gay Mafia’s Don Cornholeone slid in the back door to cram these queers into our sacred day. The only group of fruits allowed to march were a bunch of NBC employees, because NBC broadcasted the stupid parade. The most shocking thing about that of course is that any network would even bother to broadcast such visual swill in the first place. I doubt that boozy nincompoopery is taking up space on too many people’s DVRs.
I don’t care if homos want to throw a gay bash, but their own parades should be enough. There’s no need for gays to try to stick things where they don’t belong—they do enough of that in their personal lives. And if you’re one of the unlucky people cursed without the gift of Irish descent, don’t think this faggotry can’t happen to your particular group too. Who’s to say which nationality or religious group gay people will try to swallow up next? There’s a rumor lesbians plan to invade churches next February to proclaim it Gash Wednesday.
So as usual, Irish people will save the planet’s lesser creatures by continuing to try and ensure that Saint Patty’s Day is remembered for Gaelic, instead of gay lick.