“You not say Ukraine weak.” -Random Ukrainian subway passenger from Seinfeld
The countdown to World War III has officially been resurrected thanks to the maniacal, shirtless, and vodka-soaked delusions of grandeur of ex-KBG thug and suspected turd burglar Vladimir (Ras)Putin. Last week, a Ukrainian airliner carrying passengers from twelve different countries (it must’ve looked like the Star Wars bar on that flight) was shot down over Eastern Ukraine by—you guessed it, a Russian missile. Subsequently, the world community has shit its collective pants in response, and republicans are of course swooping in to somehow blame Obama. If it started raining they’d blame this fuckin guy. These war and whore-mongers newest complaint about the President, other than his dirty skin color of course, is that he needs to “stand up” to Putin and draw a line in the snow with some kind of reckless military action. Are they fuckin nuts?
The Russians and the Ukrainians have hated eachother long before we showed up, why would we want to get mixed up in the world’s biggest snowball fight? We don’t exactly have a sparkling track record for interfering in ancient cultural divisions in foreign countries lately. Besides, didn’t we already play the most excruciating game of “chicken” ever with these drunken Commies for the better part of the last century? I thought high-top fades and skinny jeans were bad, but beefing with Mother Russia is really a fad we should’ve left in the eighties.
As any historian will tell you, we all know Rocky single-handedly won the Cold War with his inspiring performance against Drago, and of course his rambling and incoherent post-fight interview. This magnificent and unintelligible speech has since become known as “Rocky’s Gettysburg Address,” and is now thankfully taught to schoolchildren throughout our great nation, albeit with the appropriate subtitles and interpreters.
Unfortunately Putin’s Russia is a throwback to those dark Apollo Creed-murdering times, and has continued the proud Russian tradition of heartless, evil, iron-fisted dictators mercilessly exploiting their own population. There’s no freedom of the press, citizens can be arbitrarily arrested, and Putin’s reign remains unchallenged. So basically, it’s like Disneyland but colder.
Other than the band Pussy Riot, who incidentally just dropped a new hit single called “The Poon-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthin to Fuck With,” outright Russian opposition to Putin is basically nonexistent, and therefor military actions against the Ukraine seem imminent. Either Putin will continue to fund and arm radical separatist militias to attack the Ukrainian government, or he’ll go all Stalin on their ass and invade himself. Either way, I’m sad to report that if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the normally festive Russian atmosphere has somehow suddenly turned bleak.