Rousey vs. Cyborg: The Fight Dana White Doesn’t Want To Happen

 

Gee, I don't know what Dana White is so afraid of...

Gee, I don’t know what Dana White is so afraid of…

 

With all due respect to Cat Zigano and Alexis Davis, the only fighter in the world who has a shot of beating undefeated phenom Ronda Rousey is Chris Cyborg. Cyborg is essentially a man.  She walks around at reportedly 170-175 muscled pounds, has destroyed opponents with the most vicious striking attack in women’s MMA, and has been calling Rousey out for years.  Cyborg’s no stranger to this kinda situation either.  In 2009 she fought then women’s MMA darling and mostly media created Gina Carrano and annihilated her, brutally staking her claim as the toughest woman on the planet and sending previously unbeaten Carrano into early retirement and new B-movie career.  Rousey has decimated an entire division and has basically no viable opponents left; Cyborg is a wrecking machine with seemingly no female physical equal.  So why haven’t they fought yet?

Because thanks to Dana White, Cyborg’s not in the UFC.

To only Stevie Wonder’s surprise, the disturbingly masculine Cyborg failed a drug test for roids in 2011 and was forced to sit out 2012 due to the following suspension.  This is supposedly why hypocrite extraordinaire White—who’s entire roster is littered with fighters who’ve tested positive for similar banned substances—has yet to sign her.  Plus White says that since Cyborg fights at 145-lbs and Rousey is the 135-lb champion, he wants to see Cyborg win “at least two” fights at 135-lbs before she’s granted a ridiculously long-overdue title shot.

Bullshit.

The real reason White hasn’t signed Cyborg is because he’s scared shitless that hulking monster is going to smash his beautiful cash machine into smithereens and send her packing to Hollywood to do a Thelma and Louise remake with Carrano.  And he should be. Cyborg has a bigger dick than I do.  Have you ever seen the video of her training with former light heavyweight champion Tito Ortiz?  Ortiz is on his back and has Cyborg in an arm bar when she suddenly Hulks-up his entire 205-plus pound body ala Rampage-Arona and powerbombs him to the canvas.  The gym explodes with laughter at the impossible feat of strength they’ve just witnessed, and even Ortiz is left shaking his head in disbelief at the grizzly bear-like power of the manliest woman on earth.

Cyborg looks like Bigfoot Silva’s little sister.  She’s got a neck like a fire hydrant and arms like Popeye’s.  She would be by far the biggest, strongest, and most dangerous opponent possible for Rousey.  And that’s why the uncannily dick-resembling White is blackballing her.

This is ridiculous.  The whole reason the UFC has gotten so popular is that unlike boxing, White’s willing to make the biggest and best fights possible.  Rousey and Cyborg are tits and shoulders above every other broad on earth, so what the fuck is the delay for?  How many shitty Expendables movies can White crowbar Rousey into before this must-see showdown starts heading into Mayweather-Pacquaio territory?

This Beauty vs. The Beast fight must be made ASAP.  Will Cyborg smash the two hottest chicks in MMA to prove that ugly girls reign supreme?  Or will Rousey demonstrate her toughness is equal to a man’s by defeating one?  Tell Dana White to stop polishing his head for five minutes and make this fucking thing happen already.

 

 

 

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