From the “No Shit” files, shockingly, putting a buncha psychos who punch people for a living into a house together for some ridiculous UFC retreat may result in some fisticuffs.
That’s what happened when the human-smashing machine known as Cyborg (aka Cristiane Justino) snuffed some no-name UFC contender in the face, in one of the more disappointing viral videos in quite some time.
The footage, not the act itself, is what was disappointing because you never see the punch connecting. One version I watched slowed it down again and again, as if seeing a punch not land in super slow-mo was somehow better. More interesting than the poor man’s Zapruder film is the genesis behind the “Punch Heard ‘Round The World” however.
It seems the punchee, a UFC newcomer by the name of Angela Magana, like so many people who deserve a punch in the face, is quite the online a-hole. Her signature career move thus far is the Twitter war she arbitrarily started with Cyborg, the most frightening woman on the planet, aside from Snoop in “The Wire.” For some bizarre reason, the undoubtedly attractive Magana started sending Cyborg pictures of Jigsaw from the “Saw” movies, implying there was a resemblance. Now, nobody’s going to confuse Cyborg with a ring-card girl, but I don’t even get the insult. I get the theme Magana’s going for, she’s prettier than Cyborg, but what the fuck does Jigsaw have to do with anything?
Regardless, wouldn’t you know who happened to run into each other at the UFC retreat? “Instant Karma” was in full-effect as Cyborg made a beeline over to Magana to ask her in a thick Brazillian accent, “Why you talk shit?” Magana, just like every broad you ever wanted to see get smacked at a bar, started acting equal parts bitchy and cunty, shrieking, “I’ll talk shit about whoever the fuck I want! I’ll do whatever the fuck I—”
The crowd that had gathered around them, likely scanning the area in vain for as much Jell-o or mud as possible, went, “Ooooh.” Little Miss Tough Girl put her hand to her face and backed away, completely cowed, as Cyborg continued to berate her in a broken-English baritone.
After watching the footage, UFC middleweight champion and grimey limey Michael Bisping concluded, “Chat shit get banged.” This vaguely sexual expression actually translates to American ears as, “Talk shit get hit.” Silly Brits. But what do you expect from a country where an “elevator” is a “lift” and “fries” are “chips?” It’s madness. Big L could do a British “Ebonics” for fuck’s sake. England can barely speak English.
Anywho, instead of taking her well-deserved medicine like a woman, in an act of astonishing pussy-ocity, Magana is actually pressing charges. Un-fuckin-real. If the MMA world didn’t know you before sweetie, and believe me they didn’t, they sure do now. And nobody likes what they see.
Unfortunately though, if you think these two are ever going to get inside the octagon together, forget it. Cyborg fights at featherweight (145-lbs.), but walks around at a reported 180-190-lbs. of chiseled feminine granite. On the other hand Magana is in the wee-est division in the UFC, the itty bitty titty committee’s favorite weight class, strawweight (115-lbs.). If you thought their little street scuffle was one-sided, just picture those two re-matching in the octagon without a crowd of people to intervene.
Then we’ll see who’s uglier after the bout.