Bloated blowhard Rex “Deep Fryin” Ryan was deflated for more reasons than just getting fatboy surgery when he spoke to the media following the Wets sidesplitting come-from-ahead defeat to the Fish. In his post-game press conference he apprehensively trudged to the podium like it was a salad bar, and before addressing reporters, removed his tampon to use as a tissue while he wept uncontrollably. After several uncomfortable minutes, reporters began filing out in disgust when the sniveling sissy finally composed himself enough to speak.
While grotesquely wiping away snot and tears with his sleeve, the unprecedented fifty-time imaginary Super Bowl champion reminded the already well-informed media of his team’s pathetic 2-10 record, finally declaring, “What a joke.” He then paused several seconds before adding, “Speaking of jokes, what did one cannibal say to the other? This clown tastes funny.”
After drawing nothing but blank stares from his bewildered audience, the disgraced second-rate coach made his “Rexit” and sadly moped from the room in shameful silence.
Following the worst stand-up routine since Kramer, there’s been a lot of speculaiton that miserable crybaby is stepping down from his position as the most overconfident windbag in sports and Wets head coach, and returning to his much more dignified job as a used-diaper inspector. But before Rex gets amputated from Gang Green, I would just like to remind the literally tens of Wets fans to cheer up by remembering some of the many unforgettable moments that comprise the storied tradition of their proud franchise. Here’s the team’s illustrious history, in painstakingly meticulous chronological order:
1969 – The Picasso of make-out artists and town drunk Joe Namath unveiled the official new team uniform: pantyhose.
2014 – Derelle Revis, the only player of substance the Wets have drafted since man landed on the moon, fulfilled every athlete’s lifelong dream and became a member of the greatest organization in human history, The New England Patriots.
Sunday – Rex cried like a bitch.
On second thought, maybe coach Puss had the right idea, because getting added to that kind of tremendous list of achievements should really bring a tear to your eye.