Real Niggas Chew Real Things

Can't we all just bread along?

Can’t we all just bread along?


Speaking with one of my many idiotic friends of the African persuasion the other day, I was introduced to the rather inexplicable phenomenon of rampant anti-bagel prejudice in the ‘hood.  Why in the hell bagels are as shunned as klansmen in the ghetto is beyond me, but for some reason it’s true.  All the anecdotal evidence required to make such a snap judgment came when my boy was recently chatting with a chum, aka chilling with his nigga, and suddenly his tummy started a-rumbling.

“Damn I’m hungry,” he oafishly complained.  “I’m bout to go get a bagel.”

You would have thought he just said he was about to go shop at The Gap.  His rather G’d out companion guffawed loudly and proclaimed, “Bagels?  Real niggas don’t eat bagels,” thus touching off a rather spirited and yeast-infected debate between the two.

“Yo, when you ever see a hood nigga eatin’ a bagel?”  His potentially anti-Semitic yet ironically meshuganah homie further inquired, to which my boy had no real answer other than stating the rather obvious fact that a bagel is just bread.  So hood niggas don’t eat bread now?  I don’t think so.  So why the bagel blackball?

Not that I make it a habit to visit very often, or ever, but doesn’t the projects have almost as many Dunkin’ Donuts as gun shops?  What do supposed “real niggas” get their breakfast sandwiches on, a muthafuckn croissant?  Now that’s a faggy piece of bread.  But a little bagel in your life never bothered anybody.  Except this modern-day Doughboy apparently.


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