Well I guess the mystery of why Ray Rice sucked balls this year has finally been solved: he was too tuckered out from constantly whuppin his girl’s ass.
It seems to be common knowledge by now that RIce ironically went ham and apparently cold-cocked a complaining cunt. I’m sorry, my love for alliteration got the best of me. What I meant to say was got into a little bit of a tiff with the Mrs.
Evidently Rice took one of his (I’m naturally assuming) many baby mommas to the casino the other night. I guess he figured if she was lucky enough to win the Dick Lottery and land a professional athlete using nothing more than her body’s orifices, she must be one lucky bitch. I’m not sure how it started, or really much of anything other than it certainly didn’t end in her favor. Security footage of the incident shows an elevator door opening and Rice waltzing out with an apparent corpse strewn out on the floor. Rice seems befuddled as to what to do next, as he half-heartedly attempts to drag her away while pausing several times to likely contemplate time travel. Suddenly a security guard thankfully arrives on scene just in time after the broad got the Friday treatment and knocked the fuck out. Then Rice and the guard appeared to start arguing a bit, as Rice cleverly attempted to trot his apparently lifeless girlfriend past the dude like it’s fuckin Weekend At Bernie’s.
Hey listen, like I’ve heard practically every single one of his brave and chivalrous defenders howl, we don’t exactly know what happened on that elevator. Plus, it’s certainly not Rice’s fault that his girl has a glass jaw. Still, the evidence seems to absolutely scream for itself, and I can imagine Ravens fans must be outraged. After all, he left her still breathing.
Now we all know Rice is what comes out of a Chinaman’s ass, but in this case it’s also a terrible tragedy. Not because the trillionth NFL player committed domestic violence; but because of his outfit. Did you see the tight-ass jeans that muthafucka was wearing? He probably fought with his girl over borrowing them without asking.