That wood-splitting sound you just heard was the final nail being driven into the coffin of the once mighty Celtics franchise. Just when league analysts thought the team couldn’t possibly get any shittier, they have now apparently managed to bury themselves with an additional Everst-sized mountain of bubbling diarrhea. This isn’t just re-building, this is razing the building, setting the rubble afire, then salting the earth so that nothing may grow again for a thousand years. I’ve heard about the NBA’s pitiful tank-the-year-away mentality, but you don’t have to go 0-82 before the re-building process is allowed to begin. These Celtics are currently poised to enjoy a championship drought of Red Sox-esque proportions.
The C’s—which is also ironically Mormon Danny Ainge’s nickname for his many wives—have officially eliminated the last reason why he still has a job by getting rid of the team’s last good player, personality coach and headband enthusiast Rajon Rondo. Let’s not forget this isn’t a move from some kind of Machiavellian b-ball genius; Ainge had one foot back in Utah years ago before the Big Three miraculously came to Boston, and in reality, he had nothing to do with their formation or success. As basketball historians point out, Kevin Garnett was tired of being the only black person in Minnesota, and Jesus Shuttlesworth could have got his father out of prison if he played for Boston. Or something. But the point is, O Danny Boy is luckier than all of Ireland to have been blessed with that legendary team, and the shlub did nothing but gawk over it’s slow disintegration then dismantling while doing absolutely nothing to keep it intact. It’s like finding a million-leaf clover and idiotically watching it wither up in expectation of another one.
A select few numskulls who have difficulty distinguishing their asscracks from their mouths have somehow agreed with the Celtic’s mascot being raped by his corn-cob pipe with these imbecillic moves. They indignantly claim that we had no choice losing these players, and that it was even the right move in the long run, but is this current abomination of the squad you asshole’s fuckin alternative? Does a monstrosity pretending to be your hometown team befouling the airwaves every night really sound like your idea of must-see TV? This is better than keeping Pierce for a few more years just so he can gracefully retire a Celtic? What exactly did we gain out of doing that, and what exactly did we gain out of losing Rondo? Can someone please explain this to me? In a recent interview, even Bill Russell hinted at his frustrations with the Rondo trade, and subtly criticized the move by declaring, “That sucks monstrously oversized balls.”
I can’t believe we’re getting rid of our best point guard since Bob Cousy for basically nothing more than a basketball pump. Today’s point guard’s typically shoot-first even quicker than the police, but Rondo is a point guard who can actually play the damn position. He distributes better than Pablo Escobar, and his unnecessary departure will make those abominable Celtics teams I grew up watching (anyone else remember that big white useless Eric Montross?) look like the goddamn Dream Team. Guess I’m gonna have to root for Rondo’s Mavs in the playoffs for the next couple years, since it looks like he’s gonna be long-retired before Boston ever makes them again.
Upon reflection however, the way the Celts disgustingly let their best player since Bird unceromoniously fly the coop last season, I guess this Rondo debacle isn’t that much worse. Now Celtic nation must face the awful realization that our current three best players are total crumb bums. The best thing Rod Smart has ever done on a basketball court is shove some fat old drunk on his can in college, Jeff Green’s bum ticker-ass is one line of yayo away from being the next Reggis Lewis, and that big white galoot that somehow snuck onto the team looks like the goddamn bass player for Def Leppard. They might as well suit up that trampoline-dunking midget Lucky to play.
We all know Rondo’s a world-class prick, but the basketball purgatory the team was stuck in with him is far better than the hell they will spiral into without him. This team isn’t fit to play in the Chinese league. Does Ainge really think I’m gonna watch this ragtag band of slapdicks bumble around my beloved parquet floor? I’d rather watch the WNBA…Well okay, maybe nothing that drastic, but I damn sure won’t be watching the Celtics any time soon.