The Emilio Estevez of the Bush brothers, aka the guy who does everything right but can never amount to the family fuck-up, the hapless, feckless Jeb, has mercifully dropped out of the presidential race. Gee and he had such a runaway train of momentum heading into the campaign too, what with that brilliant slogan: “Jeb!” As if people were going to somehow forget that the country is still struggling through the mountain of shit that his mongoloid brother took on us for eight straight stinking years. Who the fuck’s idea was that? I’d love to have sat in on the big meeting with his team when they came up with that gem. “Say, why don’t we just go with your first name? That’ll fool em. Meeting adjourned.”
I love too the goddamn exclamation point they used. Like people are so excited about a third Bush presidency in less than three decades that they just can’t contain themselves—they simply must shout it from the rooftops. What they really should have used for punctuation was a question mark. Or maybe a combination of a frowny face and middle finger.
So ol’ Jebby boy has blown it again. The man’s entire life has been spent living in the shadow of an imbecile. In the eighties, he was the old man’s number-one choice to help run his own presidential campaign over W., but Jeb unwisely decided to pursue politics in Florida instead. In the nineties, when Jeb initially ran for governor of Florida with the full support of his mummified parents, Georgie Porgie unexpectedly threw his cowboy hat into the ring to run for governor of Texas and stole all his thunder. Then the fact Jeb has the personality of a loaf of bread while George was blessed with that Forrest Gump-like charm, not to mention intelligence, meant Jeb simultaneously went down in defeat while George somehow won. It would be the first in Jeb’s painful series of soul-crushing political disappointments.
It was such a shocking and humiliating turn of events for the lifelong goody two shoes politician to crash and burn, while his beer-swilling boozehound of a fuck-up older brother waltzed into the governor’s mansion as essentially his first real job, that their pops is still scarred by it today. A few years ago, in some speech George Senior made for yet another one of Jeb’s endless parade of humiliating near-misses, the old man started to weep uncontrollably when he recalled Jeb’s defeat in that very governor’s race. It was insane. He was crying to the point of hysterics, and the entire room grew increasingly uncomfortable until at long last Jeb ushered the weeping old coot off the stage. Political firebrand Chris Hedges described the tragic scene as “Shakespearean.” Check it out on YouTube but I warn you, it’s embarrassing to the point that you have to avert your eyes even when watching it on tape.
So George Senior’s favorite son lumbers on, politically and spiritually broken, and a national laughingstock. Meanwhile all I can think of is, that’s gonna be one helluva awkward Thanksgiving next year. The brother who did everything right has to forever hang his head in shame around his own family, while the brother still sitting at the kids’ table was actually the fuckin President of the Untied States.