Apparently some Hollywood executive was recently rooting around the bargain bin at his local Wal-Mart when he stumbled upon an old DVD of “Point Break.” Then instead of responding properly by saying, “Hmm. That movie kind of stunk,” he instead did what many of his ilk have been doing in droves for years and needlessly decided to re-make it.
First of all, was anybody really clamoring for this movie to be re-made? The original wasn’t even good enough to warrant a sequel, and now we have an entire re-make almost twenty five goddamn years later? Who’s idea was this? Did the “Make A Wish” foundation visit Patrick Swayze on his death bed?
Secondly and more importantly, this foolishness gives me an opportunity to point out one of the dumbest plot aspects in cinematic history. In the original, during the bromance Keanu Reeves is attempting to build with a group of cliched surfer dude bank robbers, one night a football game suddenly breaks out on the beach. Then for reasons that mystify all involved, Keanu takes a pass up the sideline, or maybe it’s Swayze, then inexplicably veers into the water as the other follows and they splash around like two imbeciles. Exactly where the fuck was Keanu going? If there’s ever been a more defined out of bounds line than the goddamn ocean, I’ve yet to see it.
This moronic little episode then results in the bumbling duo’s sudden dual reveal about Reeves’ past as a top college quarterback, which has go to be the dumbest choice for an undercover FBI agent conceivably possible. That’s like if Tim Tebow started working undercover for the FBI. Also, exactly what college doubles as a football powerhouse and FBI recruitment center? And just how would a buncha surfer bums happen to know all this info off-hand? Swayze expertly recounts Reeves’ final career-ending injury in some bowl game he played in like ten years ago like he’s John Madden. I guess in between surfing monstrous waves, shopping for Halloween masks, and robbing banks, Swayze has enough to time to learn more about college football than your average ESPN analyst. Makes total sense.
“Point Break” is a movie that’s so bad it’s good, like “Commando.” Not so good that it needs to be infinitely re-made until the end of time, like “Terminator.” “Point Break” is painfully corny and cheesy but also kinda cool and pretty entertaining at the same time. Still, it’s not a great or even a good film, and re-making it is a pointless waste of everyone’s time. How many shitty old Patrick Swayze movies are they gonna re-make? They might as well just re-make “Road House” while they’re at it. Oh, wait…