The NBA Playoffs have been underway for a couple weeks now, and as the greatest basketball analyst this side of the legendary and hopefully future president Charles Barkley, my thoughts have once again been happily emptied from my toilet-like head. And you can keep your pennies…
Empty Clip – It all seemed so promising too. One of the last vestiges of the Celtics glory years, Doc Rivers, and his string of horrendously bad luck has continued unabated, as both equally unlucky Chris Paul and mulatto vaginal canal Blake Griffin are both done for the remainder of the playoffs, thus effectively ending their season. Wait, I just looked it up, they’re already out. Never mind. Damn, without their two stars the Clippers completely fell apart and exited even swifter than I thought. That entire team needs a heart transplant.
The Truth At Seventeen – Just when you thought the halfsy Spiderman known as Steph Curry was falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle (Rodney Dangerfield joke), he made his triumphant return to rain destruction on The Jailblazers in overtime last night to the tune of a jaw-dropping and record-breaking seventeen points. As has been pointed out several times since, that’s more than most whole teams score in overtime. This fuckin guy is playing like he’s living in The Matrix. Steph started out slowly in his first game in three weeks, missing like his first ten threes in a row, before he evidently warmed up quite nicely and proceeded to shoot Portland out of the gym in the fourth quarter and OT. Some of those shake-n-bake moves he put on defenders before lasering a three in their eye were absolutely filthy. He was leaving dudes straight covered in filth. I don’t see anybody beating this team with a healthy Curry, and if they win back-to-back championships after the record-breaking regular season they’ve just had, people are gonna have to start ranking this Warriors team as one of the all-time greats. So long as they don’t pull an OKC and fuck everything up with their young stars, they’ll be around for a long, long time too. My shooting protegé has done me proud.
Referee Refugee – Would someone please explain why NBA referees are the most coddled group of zebras in all of sports? These bungling, scandal-ridden pussies miss calls more routinely than any other group of officials I can name, and then you can’t even fuckin criticize them for it without being fined tens of thousands of dollars. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention infuriating, because Mr. McGoo could do a better job than these striped bozos. A few nights ago in the OKC-San Antonio series, the refs admittedly screwed up five separate calls in just the last fourteen seconds. That’s incompetence on an almost unimaginable scale. Then last night the refs blew the game again with an astonishingly bad no-call on Kawhi Leonard as he fouled Russell Westbrook in the waning seconds of the all-too pivotal Game 5. How is nobody in the league allowed to state the obvious, that the officiating is fuckin terrible? Baseball umps get chest-bumped and screamed in their face for ten straight minutes every other goddamn game over a pure judgement call and everyone just laughs. How the hell did the NBA refs get such a cushy-ass gig? Paying off league officials with their gambling winnings?