Of all the states vying for the coveted title of “America’s Asshole”—all of which are south of the Mason-Dixon of course—Alabama consistently ranks near the top of the list. Considering the disturbingly religious maniac that state full of Forrest Gumps just nominated for the senate, it isn’t hard to see why.
The repulsive candidate vomited up from the bottom of the Republican barrel is none other than the Judge Dredd known as Roy Moore, and considering his odious record, Judge Roy Bean was more lenient. This cocksucker is a human cartoon of an old cracker bigot. Even Fred Phelps would tell him to relax. He’s like a live-action Yosemite Sam, complete with cowboy hat and pistol accessories. Not to mention homespun religious fanaticism. Moore is trying to win the seat vacated by civil rights arch nemesis Jeff Sessions, who looks like Atticus Finch next to Moore.
People say they want candidates who are out of the box, but this guy’s out of his fuckin mind. How else do you get removed from the Alabama state Supreme Court for being too prejudiced? That’s like getting kicked out of NASCAR for speeding. Moore’s big snafus were refusing to remove a statue of the Ten Commandments from a government building, and refusing to recognize gay marriage. Gee I wonder if one stance had anything to do with the other?
To say Moore is Bible-thumping would be putting it mildly. The man is Bible-humping. At least that’s the only sort of humping he’d like to see allowed, besides the sacred act of procreation between a married couple of opposing genitals, and of course between himself with a variety of barnyard animals. This fuckin guy wants to make what he refers to as “homosexual acts” illegal. Does that include wearing skinny jeans? Considering his Bronze Age opinions on two of everybody’s favorite things, free speech and fuckin, one can only imagine his progressive views on things like abortion, evolution, climate change, or the Second Amendment.
Well actually I suppose we just got our answer to that particular inquiry, ironically loud and clear. At one of his last campaign rallies before the pre-election, Moore was speaking to a roomful of rubes when he decided to display his stateliness. Stalking the stage in a comically oversized cowboy hat (fuckin seriously), Moore claimed ominously that, “Some people say I’m against the Second Amendment,” and as his moronic minions struggled in vain to count that high, Moore emphatically proved his point by producing what else but a pistol from his pocket. Nice visual aid. It kind of makes you wonder exactly what kind of security they have at these hootenannies, although maybe they were hoping Moore would start firing into the crowd to really drive his message home.
The funniest thing about this bunch of boobery concerns the fake president however, and not just because Moore could apparently Lincoln him the next time they’re standing next to each other. In the midst of like fifty hurricanes causing untold devastation, the world’s most compassionate man decided it was time to address the most important thing, himself, and made those NFL comments we’ve all come to despise. But he did so at a rally for Moore’s opponent, comic book supervillian Luther Strange. Meanwhile Trump’s jilted ex-lover Steve Bannon was across town at the cool kid’s party telling his stupefied (or is that plain “stupid”?) audience that a vote for Moore, not the guy Trump was actually endorsing, was a vote for Trump. And they believed him. Way to combat the silly stereotype that southerners are inbred morons.
The morning after the “Strange magic” wore off, like a true delusional sore loser Trump immediately deleted three pro-Strange tweets from the day before and sent one praising Moore’s win like he was a supporter all along. Can you fuckin believe that slimy piece of used car salesman shit? No matter how fuckin blatantly he loses, his clinically insane narcissism means he will always pretend he won. I guess he’s good at that by now though since he’s been doing it since November.