Patriots Off Siezing News


The Lambeau leap ain't got shit on this.

The Lambeau leap ain’t got shit on this. Unfortunately for the rest of the league, Brady tragically survived.


Fresh off annihilating the universe for the intergalactic championship of infinity, Jesus’ favorite team the New England Patriots have been making some headlines lately.  The three wise men, Belichik, Brady, and Kraft, in particular have each been up to some rather peculiar shenanigans.  Such as:


Bells of War – The greatest coach ever threw a temper tantrum at the owner’s annual conference to pretend to listen to the coaches, over the NFL’s bizarre insistence on refusing to allow cameras to monitor the end zones.  Belly correctly pointed out that while the league frivolously wastes money on idiotic excursions to bore Europe with real football, they refuse to spend some coin on actually improving the game.  In response, the owners each wiped their asses with million dollar bills before forking them over into Bill’s palm, and the meeting was adjourned.


Brady Crunch – You would think being a rich and famous NFL quarterback, marrying a super model, and just winning a fourth Super Bowl would be enough for most people.  Evidently unhappy with perfection in life, Tom Brady decided to make Patriot Nation shit themselves by jumping off a giant fuckin cliff for no reason other than to annoy humanity.  What’s wrong with this lunatic?   Hey Evel Knievel, save the suicidal swan dives for after you retire, when it won’t matter if you splatter.


Quip and Run – Kraft stopped hanging around playgrounds trying to pick up a date long enough to testify in the Aaron “Scarface” Hernandez murder trial.  As the defense lawyer droned on about how owners like Kraft were leeches to society when he took the stand, the greedy old coot stopped him in his tracks by saying, “Just like you man.  I got the franchise, you got the briefcase, it’s all in the game though right?”

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