And then there was one. Less.
I figured when Donald Trump and Ted Cruz fattened their respective leads that there was slim chance Chris Christie would have the stomach to go on, and sure enough, the White Whale is no more. The Bobby Baccala of politics has finally done in the presidential race what his gut does in tight shirts and dropped out. He recently held a press conference to announce that just like in real life, he’s not running, but caused nervousness among the pack of reporters in attendance by being over an hour late. When the blimp arrived ironically by car, Christie explained that he would have been on time, but he got stuck in traffic on the way over.
How doubly ironic, since that was precisely the issue which lost the Ryan Brothers’ long-lost triplet the potential Republican nomination in the first place: Christie’s manufactured car jam (*See the award-winning Spew “Fat Fuck Fumbles Nomination”). Two years ago it looked like the other Republican candidates had a better chance of beating Christie in a pie-eating contest than a bid for the nomination, but one well-publicized strong-arm tactic from that goomba and he was done. Well-done. Who could have imagined he’d be the kind of guy who would want to have his cake and eat it too?
But the fat really hit the fan when Trump entered the race and cornered the market on political blowhards. Suddenly Christie didn’t have anything that made him stand out other than his morbid obesity. Even his major campaign donors like Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders began to withdraw support. Finally, even Jared from Subway walked away, and that’s when Christie truly knew it was over.
So now Christie will be ridden off into the sunset, and thus sadly never get to fulfill his lifelong presidential ambition: to pardon a record-breaking amount of Thanksgiving turkeys only to have them mysteriously disappear.
During the sorrow that this heartbreaking announcement has elicited, there have been several political pundits who have ambitiously attempted to weigh-in and put it into proper perspective. It was Christie’s wife Ms. Piggy though who made the most poignant haiku-style observation about her husband when she told reporters, “He’s a fat fuck and I fuck fat.” Indeed. She would have made a fine first lady.
Asked for his opinion about the unraveling of his presidential aspirations, Christie deemed the decision to cancel his campaign, “Really tough to swallow, unlike anything edible within my reach.”