Even as I imagine the newly-crowned Superbowl Champion Peyton Manning in his mansion currently celebrating, sipping a glass of wine while sitting by his fireplace in a cozy embrace with Papa John, there are a few additional football news items that are in desperate need of Spewification before the season can truly come to a close:
Scram Newton – Unsatisfied with merely behaving like a bitch during the Super Bowl, the Carolina Blew’s Cam Newton decided to shamelessly behave like one during the postgame press conference as well. In a clip we’ve all seen by now, when asked the standard reporter claptrap, Cam inexplicably declared that his ovaries hurt and stormed from the room, as irate reporters pelted him with tampons. Then instead of doing what a normal girl does and blaming his period, Cam had the audacity to defend his twat-like actions the next day. Such cunty logic proves right there that the theory Cam left his press conference because some Denver player was audible in the adjacent room is hogwash. Cam didn’t flee the interview because of poor seating arrangement, he fled because he’s a spoiled douche fresh off one of the worst performances and most humiliating moments in Super Bowl history. His MVP season will only be remembered for his Most Viewed Play.
Hall of Lame – Just when most people assumed that only the Hall of Fame voters for Major League Baseball were petty fuckfaces, the NFL has once again proved to be the most hateable league in professional sports. For ridiculously biased reasons obvious to everyone, unstable sob sister Terrell Owens was just passed over for induction, so he’ll have to wait another year to receive the rather ironic prize of getting a statue of his head for a career filled with brain trauma. Meanwhile, the league’s former choir boy but tissue paper-soft Marvin Harrison strolled into the Hall in his first bid. Now I know they were both great receivers, but their career numbers are pretty identical, and having watched them both play their entire careers, I can easily say I’d rather have T.O. on my team than Harrison any day. The fact that Owens was such an egocentric nutbag might have been irritating, but it’s not enough to ignore his fifteen seasons of brazen and spectacular performances on the field, or even more impressive and rare among his colleagues, his lack of a slew of baby mommas and domestic violence charges off it.
Twit It And Quit It – Proving my uncanny ability to be right about everything, professor of African studies and Skittles spokesman Marshawn Lynch has finally hung up his dreads and retired. And sports reporters everywhere wept. Seriously, get ready for this jackass to completely disappear from public view, and if you ask me it couldn’t happen fast enough. From his inflated sense of self-importance, to his bizarre one-man war with the media, to his blatant racism and staggering, swaggering ignorance, Lynch was one of the most detestable figures in sports the past few years. In other words, no one will be sad to see that Superbowl-losing bozo go, least of all me. I also love his fake humility by pretending to announce his retirement with no fanfare by live tweeting it during the most watched TV event of the year. Way to stay under the radar. And forget about the talk that Lynch is somehow “Going out on top.” As I’ve already pointed out several Spews ago, Lynch had his worst year ever this season. That’s not exactly going out as the MVP of the league like Jim Brown. But regardless, Lynch will finally have plenty of time to spend dodging his countless up-coming interview requests with fellow sporting press pariah Barry Bonds. Now they could hang out in front of the ESPN building and no one would notice.