New Nuisances

Here's the late Prince during one of his finest performances. This is the dignified way his fans should want to remember him.

Here’s the late Prince during one of his finest performances. This is the dignified way his grieving fans should want to remember him.


Amazingly, especially given my sunny disposition, a few things have been getting on my nerves as of late.  Whether it’s overrated celebrity deaths, overblown beverage claims, or outdated fashion choices that should just be plain over, behold some of the zephyrs blowing through my mind:


Prince of Wails – Diminutive former human symbol, alleged musical genius, and pick-up basketball game legend Prince dropkicked dead-ass Chyna from the headlines by croaking only days later.  Then predictably, a ton of washed-up celebrities pretended to be devastated.  I’ve honestly got to say, unlike Charlie Murphy I’ve never understood all the hoopla about the guy.  I mean, I like “When Doves Cry,” and “Purple Rain” is okay, but that’s about it.  I don’t even think I could name another Prince song.  I guess if I was paying attention to pop culture in the eighties instead of soiling my Huggies, he’d have had more of an impact, but personally losing the Eighth Wonder of the World Chyna was far more saddening, and I barely even gave a shit about that.


Nectar of the Frauds – If there’s one drink on earth even less tasty than piss, it would have to be the champagne of the trailer park, Gatorade.  I can’t even drink that swill as a goddamn chaser.  It tastes like water with food coloring in it.  More annoying than the assault on one’s taste buds however is the awful drink’s idiotic claims about how fuckin beneficial it is to athletes.  They even ship big drums of the shit to pro sports teams so they can pretend to be useful on the sidelines, meanwhile I’ve always suspected it’s really water in those cups the athletes are slurping down.  Either way, Gatorade is unequivocally not beneficial to any one in any way.  I don’t give two fucks about their horseshit pseudo-science about electrolytes, a ball player’s better off drinking someone’s beer backwash from the stands than that garbage.  The real proof about what beverage reigns supreme though is on display in boxing and MMA.  Ever see that booger green slime near a pro fighter when he’s in the middle of combat?  I don’t fuckin think so.  When your ass is really on the line, you’re gonna be drinking water, and save that Gatorade mess for the only thing it’s good for: giving unsuspecting coach’s pneumonia by pouring it on them after Super Bowl victories.


The Watcher – I was surprised just now by the astonishing sight of some dude actually rocking a goddamn wristwatch.  At first glance I literally did a double take, like, “What the fuck is that weird bracelet?”, before the horrifying reality sunk in.  Worst of all, it wasn’t like the guy was ninety years old, the dude was around my age.  Ever heard of a cell phone assface?  They got the time right on the fuckin thing.  What, did your goddamn pocket watch go missing so you had to bust out this bad boy?  He might as well have a fuckin sun dial in his pocket.  I should have kicked him in the balls on general principal.  The world would have thanked me.

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