There’s been some serious mislabeling lately, whether it’s true afflictions, true descriptions, or true convictions:
“I’m a rage-a-holic. I can’t live without rage-a-hol.” -Homer Simpson
A Merlot’s By Any Other Name – I’m getting pretty tired of the negative stigma and shabby treatment that plagues alcoholics. I mean, we’re not all that bad. I’ve never plowed a Buick into a baby carriage or gone on any Mel Gibson-esque anti-semitic rants. Yet. But I think it’s just that the term “alcoholic” sounds so negative. It sounds like the name of a disease, which I still don’t believe it is, despite what some drunken nincompoops love to claim. Meanwhile think about somebody who smokes weed all day long. Once again, we’re not all that bad. But when you smoke weed non-stop you’re called a “pot head.” It’s almost a cool-sounding name. Pot heads even loudly and frequently proclaim their lofty status as such. You don’t hear a lotta people bragging about how big of an alcoholic they are though, beseides perhaps me. If you were a “pot-aholic”, it doesn’t sound nearly as cool or impressive. So in that spirit, I’m ending the use of the term “alcoholic” once and for all. From now on, we’ll be known by our much more dignified name: “Booze-hounds.”
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” -Shakespeare, Hamlet
Dropping C-Bombs – Did you ever notice how the women most offended by the word “cunt” are invariably the biggest cunts themselves? I mean it’s uncanny. The only chicks who react to the word like it’s their version of a black guy being called a “nigger” only do it because they get called a “cunt” so often. Perhaps if you didn’t act like a cunt, then you wouldn’t get called one. Have you ever seen some cunt recoil in horror after being appropriately labeled? Like they literally gasp and put their hand to their mouth like it’s a silent film. I remember one time at a party I happened to inform a young lady of such a reality and she promptly slapped me in the face, to which I repeated, “Cunt,” and received the same swift physical reply. After carefully surveying the situation, and calling upon all my diplomatic abilities, I simply answered, “Cunt” again, then the third in what would have been an endless series in tit-for-tat exchanges between us ended when one of the chick’s female friends caught her hand before impact in mid-slap. Then the dumb cunt immediately ran outside crying, and I’m like, “I’m the one who just got slapped, and I’m perfectly calm. What’s her problem other than that the truth hurts?” But the word doesn’t have the same toxic effect on all vaginas. Cool chicks never care about somebody saying “cunt” to that irrational degree. They use it themselves for chrissake. Simply put, a non-cunt wouldn’t act like it’s some kinda verbal nuclear bomb like a true cunt would.
Pitchin’ A Fit – In another of the endless examples of being unable to do anything even the slightest bit presidential, the Fake President has refused to throw out the first pitch at some dumb baseball game or whatever. Besides my initial insightful reaction of, “Who gives a fuck?” it dawned on me almost immediately why the Mussolini wannabe refused to throw the pitch: he can’t. The big pussy never learned how to throw a baseball. Think about it. He’s a spoiled fag rich kid. Not a lotta basebal diamonds at country clubs. I’m sure he can play polo like a muthafucka, but baseball? Nigga please. Like everything else, even Hillary would have done a better job. He might pretend that he’s not gonna throw out the pitch because he’s such a rebel, but we’ve all had the delight of guffawing at an adult who never learned how to throw as a kid struggling in vain to master the physical mechanics they shoulda learned decades ago. Those dudes look like they got muscular dystrophy when they try to throw a ball. And since Trump is the second-coming of Bart Simpson’s “The I Didn’t Do It Boy”, and never takes even a molecule of blame for any of the glaringly obvious mistakes he’s made, for the first time there would be no getting out of this one. If Trump threw a pitch like Gary Dell’Abate did a couple years ago—or even worse—not only would he be a laughingstock and lose “manly” credibility with his hick voters, he’d be the subject of endless social media taunts. It would have been spectacular. Damn. Of all the times for him to finally make one smart choice.