Now it’s not just the country, but something even more sacred that’s been ruined by comrade Trump: the sweetest Patriots Super Bowl victory ever.
Normally I’d be all too delighted to gloat my balls off from the rooftops (which is quite a sight indeed), but instead I feel as empty as Melania’s head. Now I know what it’s like to be on the other side of the Pats unmatched greatness. Damn, no wonder why people hate them so much. The muthafuckas are just too damn good for non-fans to not loathe. What’s that make now? Eleven Super Bowl or AFC championship appearances in the last sixteen years? Even I was almost starting to get a little sick of it, until learning of the Patriots nauseating political ties made me projectile vomit our of every orifice.
But my allergic reaction to a case of Trumpitis notwithstanding, right now I have to give my honest and expert analysis of the game. Here goes:
Atlanta sucks a bag of dicks. End of analysis.
They didn’t just squander the biggest lead in Super Bowl history, they cheesed a game like no team before them in a championship game in any sport. They ordered the triple cheese with extra cheese and a side of cheese sauce, and still went and sprinkled more cheese on top. Shit was an epic meltdown. Melted cheese you might even say. But by the end of the game you could see on the sidelines their hopes were completely deflated (see what I did there?)
When the falcons were up 28-3 midway through the third, the game felt over. Later on even though the dirty birds were still up 8 with a few minutes left, it felt equally over but no longer in their favor. Everyone in the stadium could feel that a comeback was inevitable. Then Brady guided the Pats downfield for the TD and two-point conversion to send the game into overtime. After the Pats won the subsequent coin toss and elected to receive, Goodell might as well have started spit-shining the Lombardi trophy for Brady right then, but he was too busy planning his next frame-up. In OT, Brady of course proceeded to masterfully guide the Pats downfield again with ease for the winning score and the largest and most improbable comeback in Super Bowl history.
And I couldn’t even fuckin enjoy it.