I actually already knew this abomination was on its way.
The terrible news came to me recently. A few years ago, I remembered two strangely similar movies coming out simultaneously about the harrowing world of mall policing, “Observe and Report” and “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”, and couldn’t have been bothered with either. Flipping around the tube one day I stumbled across the last forty-five minutes of Seth Rogen’s offering and was pleased to find that true to form, it was dark, edgy, and hilarious. With the power of wikipedia I discovered that it made almost twenty-seven million dollars, not too shabby. Disheartened by the general jaw-dropping stupidity of the American movie-going public, I then decided to punish myself by comparing it to the infinitely inferior competition. Hmm, I wondered, how much money could such an utter pile of rancid excrement like Paul Blart have made?
A hundred and eighty-three million fuckin dollars.
That assault on comedy from The Fat Nigga From The King Of Queens (his legal name) made more money on its opening weekend than “Observe and Report” did in total. But that wasn’t even the most disturbing thing, it was the terrible revelation that a cocksuckin “Paul Blart” sequel was in the works! And lord have mercy I just saw the first commercial for it, and it made me want to vomit out of every orifice.
Like when witnessing any traumatic event, I thankfully can’t recall all the details, but the standout scene they capped it with is an example of the alleged comedy that’s ruining film these days. In a typically nauseatingly unfunny scenario, the big fat retard finds himself behind his long-lost twin brother, a horse’s ass, and of course the beast “kicks” him thanks to the fakest computery shit imaginable. Who the fuck thinks that’s funny, or that it even remotely could have happened, given the ridiculously sped up and obviously computer-generated garbage on-screen? That’s so lame. Why actually make that look real and do a goddamn easy-as-pie stunt when you can just type a buncha crap on a computer? The kind of braindead imbeciles who lap-up this odious manure won’t know the difference anyway.
The death of the comedic film is all Adam Sandler’s fault. For reasons unbeknownst to everyone, he’s decided to make The Fat Nigga From The King of Queens a fuckin movie star, and worse of all, it’s worked. After decades of failing to force anti-comedian Rob Schneider on the masses with predictably minimal success, Sandler’s somehow turned around and made this rotund cunt the new golden boy of unwatchable family entertainment. How the fuck did this happen?
Besides “Billy Madison” and “The Wedding Singer”, Sandler’s movies aren’t fit for a landfill. “Happy Gilmore” was okay, but Hollywood had already begun to sanitize the same Sandler who made hilarious albums like “They’re All Gonna Laugh At You!” and “What The Hell Happened To Me?” In the last fifteen years, his Cal Ripken-like streak of awfulness has been the bane of the film industry, and yet amazingly, the shittier his movies get the more money they make. Now Sandler’s shittiness has overflowed to the point where he has to farm it out to doughy sitcom actors. Here ya go tubby, here’s another hundred million dollar movie, just make sure to make it painfully unfunny or it might not be a hit.
Where’s that “Dark Knight Rises” movie-going spirit when you need it?