Machine Gun Kelly

Things became uncomfortable when Kelly (showed his ball-handling technique).

Things became uncomfortable during the news conference when Kelly explained his ball-cupping technique whilst fellating the fake president.


The fact that Fake President Cuntface has done what else but profoundly disgusted and embarrassed the planet with the whole gold star widow mess should have taught normal people a valuable lesson about the so-called “grown-ups” charged with strapping him in nightly like he’s Hannibal Lecter: they are even more deplorable than he is.

Cunt has glaringly obvious mental and psychological problems.  He literally cannot accept that everything he does is not the biggest, the best, the most, or the first.  Criticism of his actions does not penetrate his schizophrenic reality.  When it was casually asked why Cunt had yet to utter one fuckin word about four soldiers killed two weeks prior—especially since he had time to tweet about super important issues like the fuckin NFL fifty times, and also since he loves the troops so fuckin much—Cunt rightfully took the inquiry as a criticism and resorted to his favorite, six-year-old-caught with their hand in the cookie jar-type tactic.  Lying and blaming.  So Cunt immediately lied and implied that he’s contacted gold star families more than any previous administration, and that of course he’s done it better than any previous administration did too—especially the black guy’s.

It was particularly smooth how Cunt dodged the fact that he hadn’t bothered to contact the four dead soldier’s families too, claiming his condolence letters were “in the mail.”  In the mail?  What year is this?  What are you mailing them with, carrier pigeon?  And it’s been two fuckin weeks and letters from the White House still haven’t been delivered yet?  This isn’t “The Postman” you lying tub of orange goo.

So blah blah we all know what happened next.  Cunt rushed to make a hasty call to one of the four dead soldier’s widows, some democratic congresswoman who looks like the black Annie Oakley was in the car and heard it on speakerphone, and then a whole bunch of political boobery ensued.  None of the shit was surprising given that Cunt is more of a piece of wax fruit resembling a person than an actual human being, but people had to pretend to be all sorts of outraged for all kinds of reasons nontheless.  And then general Kelly weighed in.

The reason this highly-touted member of the so-called “grown-ups”—which is a collective group as awful as the films which bears their name—even joined the fray was because who else but Cunt dragged him into it.  Turns out though that Kelly is clearly a racist sack of camouflaged shit and was obviously going back-and-forth with Cunt during their daily “nigger joke” routine, when it slipped out that Obama never called Kelly after Kelly’s son was blown into bits in 2013.  Flash forward a few months and Trump casually let that fact slip out when defending himself in his own gold star mess.  This was seen by some as a betrayal of Kelly by Cunt however.  After all, the stoic general had never publicly mentioned his big bag of dead for a son.  Surely this must have crossed some sort of line with a man of such integrity.

Which is what Kelly could still pretend to be after the first part of his public statement, in which he talked about the “one percent”, AKA the amount of wars we’ve won.  Kelly then dryly and boringly recited the uninteresting details of what happens to a dead American soldier.  No word on the policy of what happens to the brown people we blow up for no reason however.  But regardless, Kelly went over the minutia in painstakingly thorough detail, along the way mentioning his own crappy deceased offspring.  Incidentally, since Kelly’s boss doesn’t like troops that were captured, I wonder how he feels about troops that were killed?

But Kelly won’t likely be asking that any time soon judging by the second part of his surreal statement.  In a rambling, sanctimonious, and self-aggrandizing diatribe, Kelly blithered like a mental patient about what used to be “sacred” in this country.  His list was a real doozy too.  In a thinly-veiled shot at democrats with the Harvey Weinstein scandal still fresh in the headlines, the first sacred cow Kelly mentioned was women.  Because you know how sacred women are to that fuckin pussy-grabbing boss of his.  The next spot on the Mount Rushmore of sanctity Kelly named was “life.”  This is from a fuckin general mind you.  A professional murderer has the fuckin audacity to bemoan the fact that life isn’t sacred.  It seemed the unintentional hypocrisy was meant as a reference to abortion, which was only confirmed when Kelly mentioned sacred slot number three: religion.  By definition, religion is actually clearly held sacred by certain moronic zealots like Kelly himself, and even more importantly, freedom of religion and a separation between church and state are what should be held sacred by our government, not adhering to one particular brand of idiocy—which in Kelly’s case let me take a wild fuckin guess which one it would be.  I doubt it’s Buddhism.  And finally, this disgrace to real Boston Irish’s sacred list ended with “gold star families”, attempting to smear the cowgirl congresswoman and the dastardly media like they were to blame.  Wasn’t it Cunt who lied and brought up his communications with gold star families in the first place?  And wasn’t it Cunt who gave the widow a shitty call and then never apologized?  And exactly how sacred did Kelly feel Cunt treated a gold star family like the Khans last summer?

We don’t need those answers though because Kelly basically admitted his real political alignment with Cunt about a week after his Christopher Walken speech, when the amateur historian explained that the civil war was fought about compromise.  According to Kelly, the compromise that couldn’t be made was whether to call niggers “coons” or “jigaboos.”

I’m just glad that with true “grown-ups” like general Kelly in charge, one day we’ll be able to solve such petty differences.


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